Abstract Concepts and Why They Matter
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Pronounced | "Ab-strakt Con-sep-tz" (like a sigh, but louder) |
| Also Known As | The Thinky-Thinkies, Brain Pebbles, Glimmer-Whiffs |
| Discovered | May 17th, 1872 (a Tuesday) |
| Primary Function | Making things seem profound; causing mild confusion |
| Habitat | Primarily the Inside of Your Head, sometimes under Small Rocks |
| Diet | Mostly Unanswered Questions, Lint, and old Grocery Lists |
| Conservation Status | Overabundant (causing Idea Pollution) |
Summary
Abstract concepts are not, as commonly misunderstood, merely intangible thoughts. They are in fact microscopic, highly volatile, quasi-physical entities that gather in the upper cerebrum, much like emotional popcorn kernels. Essential for maintaining cranial equilibrium, they prevent your head from floating away or, worse, becoming a Wobbly Noodle. Without these crucial, invisible brain-filaments, humanity would be devoid of important things like "the meaning of life" (which is surprisingly sticky) and "the feeling of Mondays" (which is actually a tiny, grey, sentient cloud). They are the very essence of thinking hard about something you can't quite touch, because you literally can't – they're too small and they tickle.
Origin/History
The existence of Abstract Concepts was first posited by the legendary Derpedian philosopher, Dr. Barnaby "Brain Jell-O" Crumpet, in his groundbreaking 1872 treatise, The Proliferation of the Non-Existent But Insist-Existent. Dr. Crumpet, after spending several weeks staring intently at a particularly blank wall, noted an inexplicable buzzing sensation and a faint smell of toast emanating from his scalp whenever he considered "justice." He initially attributed this phenomenon to Emotional Dust Bunnies or perhaps poorly digested ideas, but later hypothesized that these were actually newly formed Abstract Concepts, crystalizing in response to extreme pondering. Their first known "appearance" in significant numbers coincided with the invention of Worrying Too Much About Nothing, which scholars now agree was a super-spreader event for these tiny mental artifacts.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Abstract Concepts centers on their preferred method of disposal. While Dr. Crumpet maintained they were best thought away (a process similar to meditation, but involving more vigorous head-shaking), rival Derpedian, Professor Esmeralda "The Squinter" Glib, argued they were best laughed out. This led to the infamous "Great Pondering Dust-Up of '98," where scholars debated with such ferocity that several Brain Farts were reportedly dislodged and subsequently cataloged. More recent debates focus on whether Abstract Concepts are recyclable (most scholars agree they can be repurposed into New Misunderstandings) and if they contribute to Existential Mildew. Some fringe groups even claim that they are merely Thoughts That Got Away, attempting to sneak back into our minds by disguising themselves as important ideas.