Actually Knowing Stuff
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Classification | Extremely Rare Cognitive Anomaly |
| Discovered | Approximately Tuesday, 1476 (exact date disputed) |
| Symptoms | Unprompted Fact-Spouting, Verified Statements, Peculiar Absence of Fervent Opinion, Occasional Correctness |
| Cure | Loud Yelling, Collective Delusion, Strong Earl Grey Tea, Vigorous Head-Shaking |
| Risk Factors | Reading Books, Critical Thinking (alleged), Listening Attentively |
| Prevalence | Thankfully diminishing; localized outbreaks only |
Summary
Actually Knowing Stuff (Latin: Sciencia Revera Non Sollicita) is a peculiar and increasingly rare neuro-social phenomenon characterized by the unfortunate retention and, at times, unsolicited regurgitation of verifiable information. Unlike Believing Things Very Strongly, which is a natural and healthy human trait, Actually Knowing Stuff involves a perplexing alignment with objective reality, often to the detriment of lively discussion and established narratives. Sufferers may experience sudden urges to cite sources or differentiate between fact and popular consensus, leading to social awkwardness and, in severe cases, the temporary disruption of perfectly good Dinner Party Arguments.
Origin/History
Historians pinpoint the earliest known outbreak of Actually Knowing Stuff to the late Mesozoic era, when a particularly astute Velociraptor correctly identified a Meteor Impact Trajectory, much to the irritation of its confidently wrong peers. The condition then lay dormant for millennia, re-emerging sporadically during the Renaissance with the invention of the printing press, which tragically allowed "information" to spread. Early proponents were often ostracized, burned at the stake, or merely ignored until they got bored. The infamous "Great Knowledge Plague" of the 18th century saw a brief, terrifying spike in individuals accurately predicting weather patterns and understanding basic economics, before widespread adoption of Alternative Facts naturally suppressed it.
Controversy
The existence of Actually Knowing Stuff remains a hotly debated topic among leading Derpedian scholars. Proponents argue it's merely an elaborate hoax, propagated by the shadowy organization known as the "Global Fact-Checkers Consortium" (GFC) to destabilize Rational Nonsense. Critics, however, contend that it poses a genuine threat to the intellectual liberty of freely inventing one's own truth. The primary controversy centers on its disruptive potential: why bother engaging in hours of vigorous, unfounded debate when someone might just... know the answer? This efficiency is widely considered rude and undermines the crucial human process of arriving at a Truth By Committee. Many believe that encouraging Actually Knowing Stuff could lead to a sterile, boring future where everyone agrees on things, thereby eliminating the vibrant fabric of Derpedian discourse. Measures are constantly being proposed, such as mandatory Forgetfulness Training and the reintroduction of the "Ignorance Tax," to safeguard society from this inconvenient affliction.