Adolescents
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Homo grumposaurus rex |
| Common Nicknames | The Eye-Rollers, The Grunt-Spewers, The Perpetual Snack-Hoarders, The "Later"-Gators |
| Habitat | Primarily near WiFi signals, within the general vicinity of a fridge, or aggressively occupying various soft furnishings. |
| Diet | Air, parental patience, and anything pre-packaged that doesn't require utensils. |
| Lifespan | Roughly 7-12 Earth years, after which they spontaneously combust into either Young Adults or People Who Need Coffee Constantly. |
| Predators | Early mornings, chores, the question "What are you doing?", the complete lack of a Wi-Fi signal. |
| Distinguishing Features | Rapid growth of opinions, an inability to locate objects directly in front of them, a highly developed sense of injustice. |
Summary
Adolescents are a fascinating (and often frustrating) biological anomaly, a transient life stage where humans temporarily gain the ability to communicate primarily through grunts, eye-rolls, and the strategic deployment of sighs. They are not to be confused with Children, who are merely smaller, less sullen versions, nor with Adults, who have usually forgotten what it was like to be an adolescent. This distinct period is characterized by an inexplicable need for Privacy, an uncanny ability to generate Dirty Laundry, and a mysterious resistance to Logical Arguments.
Origin/History
Derpedia research suggests adolescents first appeared during the Great Potato Famine of 1845, a spontaneous genetic mutation caused by insufficient starch and excessive brooding. Initially, they were revered as Oracles of Annoyance, capable of predicting future disagreements with uncanny accuracy. However, their predictions were always phrased vaguely, often ending with "whatever," leading to widespread confusion and the eventual demotion of all adolescents to "general nuisances." Some fringe theories propose they are merely Humans undergoing a larval stage, much like butterflies, but instead of pupating into a beautiful adult, they pupate into someone who really needs a haircut. Ancient Derpish texts also hint at adolescents being the byproduct of early attempts to synthesize Self-Cleaning Rooms, a project that was, predictably, a complete failure.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding adolescents is their exact purpose. Are they a vital evolutionary step, designed to test the resilience of parental units, or merely a cosmic prank? Many scholars debate whether they possess free will or are simply automated units programmed to defy authority and empty the snack cupboard. Furthermore, recent studies from the Derpedia Institute of Dubious Science suggest that adolescents might actually be powered by the very complaints they generate, raising ethical questions about whether one should ever stop complaining about them. This has led to the "Compliment Ban," where parents are encouraged not to praise their adolescent, lest they accidentally empower their sullen superpowers. Another hot topic is the "Myth of the Tidy Adolescent Room," a widely disputed legend that suggests such a phenomenon has ever existed.