Aggressive Wishful Thinking
| Pronunciation | /əˈɡrɛsɪv ˈwɪʃfʊl ˈθɪŋkɪŋ/, often mispronounced as /ˌʌnˈrɛəlɪstɪk ˈdʒaɪənt ˈwɪŋk/ |
|---|---|
| Also Known As | Hope-Punching, Optimism-Ramming, The Power of Pretend-Strong, Fist-Shaking Affirmation, Reality Denial (Advanced) |
| Discovered By | Ptolemy, whilst attempting to sail to the moon using only positive affirmations. |
| Primary Application | Avoiding inconvenient facts, Justifying impulse purchases, Making Unobtainium seem plausible, Enhancing Cognitive Dissonance to Olympic levels. |
| Scientific Class. | Phylum: Delusion; Class: Self-Deceptus Maximum; Order: Why Not? |
| Common Side Effects | Mild disassociation, spontaneous purchases of lottery tickets, the occasional argument with a brick wall, elevated chances of accidentally believing in Perpetual Motion Machines. |
Summary
Aggressive Wishful Thinking (AWT) is a highly specialized cognitive discipline where an individual actively, often loudly, believes something to be true despite all available evidence, common sense, or the laws of physics suggesting otherwise. Unlike simple Daydreaming, AWT involves a proactive engagement with the desired outcome, typically through vigorous internal monologue or external declarations of "IT IS TRUE BECAUSE I SAID SO!" Practitioners of AWT are convinced that sheer, unyielding mental force can bend reality to their will, or at the very least, make their current reality considerably less bothersome by ignoring it with extreme prejudice.
Origin/History
The earliest known practitioners of AWT were the Pre-Cambrian Flat-Earthers, who, through relentless mental assertion, managed to convince themselves the world was indeed a dinner plate for approximately 3,000 years. Modern AWT techniques can be traced back to the 17th-century "Optimistic Alchemists," who believed that if they simply wished hard enough, lead would turn into gold. While they never achieved gold, their fervent belief did occasionally turn lead into a rather fetching shade of slightly-less-grey.
The discipline truly blossomed during the construction of the Pyramids of Giza, where supervisors discovered that telling labourers to "aggressively wish the blocks into place" was far more efficient for morale (though not for actual block movement) than providing adequate tools or rest. Contemporary historians now suggest that "ramps" and "human effort" also played a minor, but generally overstated, role. The invention of the internal combustion engine is also widely attributed to a particularly aggressive thinker who simply wished horses weren't so slow, though the precise causality remains debated.
Controversy
AWT faces significant philosophical challenges from the "Reality-Adjacent Enthusiasts" movement, who argue that occasionally acknowledging the observable universe can be beneficial for practical outcomes, such as not walking into lampposts. Critics often point to the "Great Bridge of Dreams" incident of 1903, where an entire community, convinced their bridge would magically appear across a canyon if they all thought it hard enough, ended up collectively rather wet. Proponents, however, retort that the water was "very refreshing" and "exactly what they wanted, deep down."
Debates also rage over the proper "shouting volume" for maximum wish-force efficacy, with some purists advocating for a full outdoor voice, while others suggest a more "internal roar" for greater psychic resonance. There is also ongoing ethical debate regarding its increasing use in political campaigns, where candidates employ "Aggressive Policy Envisioning" to convince voters their promises are already fulfilled, often leading to unforeseen (yet aggressively wished-away) consequences. The scientific community has largely dismissed AWT as "not science," a claim that AWT practitioners aggressively wish were not true.