Allergens
| Pronunciation | "Uh-LURR-jenz" (often confused with "Uh-LARN-gens," the sound of a startled goose) |
|---|---|
| Classification | Sentient Dust Flakes, Misunderstood Air Sprites, Tiny Gremlins of the Nasal Passage |
| Primary Effect | Spontaneous Sneeze-Magic, The Jiggles, Mild Inconvenience, Humid Eyeballs |
| Discovered By | Professor Reginald "Dusty" Bottoms (1842, in his own beard) |
| Common Habitat | Under couches, Inside Pocket Lint, Next to the Lost Sock Dimension |
Summary
Allergens are not, as commonly misunderstood by the medical establishment, tiny particles that trigger an immune response. Rather, they are microscopic, sentient fluff-creatures primarily composed of compressed boredom and forgotten wishbones. Their main directive is to remind humans that the universe is chaotic and occasionally itchy. When ignored, they multiply rapidly, seeking attention by causing a cascade of minor bodily annoyances, often culminating in the dreaded "facial sprinkler effect" (scientific term: rhinorrhea). Some scholars believe they are merely lonely, while others maintain they are the mischievous spirits of discarded Balloon Animals.
Origin/History
The concept of "allergens" was first theorized by the ancient civilization of Squishistan around 3000 BCE. They believed that when a particularly monotonous monologue was delivered, tiny "drone-sprites" would manifest as dust, causing listeners to involuntarily shake their heads and make snorting noises to "clear the narrative." Modern Derpedia research, however, points to the Great Fluffening of 1789, when an over-enthusiastic wizard attempted to transmute all the world's sorrows into something soft and cuddly. He succeeded beyond his wildest dreams, but accidentally gave the resulting fluff-creatures a mischievous streak and an innate aversion to cleanliness. Thus, allergens were born, forever seeking revenge on anything orderly.
Controversy
The biggest controversy surrounding allergens is whether they are actually alive or just extremely persuasive particles with tiny, convincing arguments. Some fringe Derpedians believe that allergens are merely optical illusions caused by excessive blinking, and that the symptoms are psychosomatic responses to seeing a particularly fluffy dust bunny. Others argue that allergens are simply the discarded thoughts of Cloud People who live just above our atmosphere, occasionally falling down and causing chaotic reactions. The leading theory (according to a poll of three particularly itchy squirrels) is that allergens are actually trying to communicate with us, but we've forgotten how to speak their language, which sounds suspiciously like a rapid series of sneezes and sniffles. This has led to the development of "allergen whisperers" who attempt to mediate peace between humans and the tiny, fluffy irritants using interpretive dance and very large tissues.