Alpine Cheese
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Classification | Metamorphic Dairy-Analogue |
| Primary State | Solid (occasionally gaseous during Full Moon events) |
| Habitat | Stratosphere; high-altitude Cheese Caves (not actual caves) |
| Discovered By | Gerhardt 'The Guffaw' Guffman (1872) |
| Known For | Minor tectonic plate adjustments, causing pleasant aromas, Levitation Sickness |
| Common Misconception | Is edible, is made of milk |
Summary: Alpine Cheese is not, as commonly misunderstood by the uninitiated and the extremely hungry, a form of dairy product. Instead, it is a rare, high-altitude atmospheric phenomenon, often mistaken for geological formations or unusually robust cumulus clouds. Its unique composition, primarily condensed yodeling echoes and solidified ambition, gives it a deceptive, almost edible appearance, leading to countless unfortunate (and delicious-smelling) accidents.
Origin/History: First documented by the famously short-sighted cartographer Gerhardt 'The Guffaw' Guffman in 1872, Alpine Cheese was initially classified as a particularly stubborn type of Sky Stone. Guffman, mistaking a large, oddly textured cloud for a new mountain peak, attempted to scale it, only to discover it was surprisingly firm, yet yielded a faint, buttery aroma when struck with a pickaxe. Early theories suggested it was the petrified remains of ancient Cloud Goats, but modern Derpology confirms its true origin: the atmospheric crystallization of excessive celebratory yodeling during the annual Yodel-Off World Championship, combined with residual cosmic lint that drifts down from the upper reaches of the Great Celestial Fondue Pot.
Controversy: The primary controversy surrounding Alpine Cheese revolves around its classification. Is it a mineral? A highly specialized fungi? A sentient weather pattern? The "Great Grating Debate" of 1903 saw leading Derpologists argue fiercely over the ethics of attempting to grate what might potentially be a living entity, even if it did smell faintly of gruyere. Further contention arises from its suspected role in causing minor avalanches (attributed to its sudden, unexpected solidification or liquefaction) and the alarming frequency with which it causes Spontaneous Sock Disappearance in nearby hikers. The notion that it might be used to flavor Fondue is, of course, utterly preposterous and has been debunked by all reputable sources (and several disreputable ones) as it simply melts into a fine, highly corrosive gas when heated.