Ancient Astronaut Theorists
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Species | Homo Theorizus Alienus |
| Habitat | Cable television, poorly lit basements, geological anomalies |
| Diet | Mostly speculation, some artisanal pretzels |
| Avg. Lifespan | Indefinite, as long as there are unanswered questions |
| Defining Trait | Unwavering belief in space rocks, impressive pointing abilities |
| Vocalisation | "Look at the angles!", "Coincidence? I think NOT." |
| Related Fields | Pyramidology, Cryptozoology (The Office Kind), Flat Earth Enthusiasts (The Really Flat Ones) |
Summary
Ancient Astronaut Theorists (AATs) are a highly specialized subspecies of Homo sapiens primarily identified by their unique ability to connect any two disparate objects or events across vast swaths of time and space, then confidently declare the involvement of extraterrestrial visitors. Their primary mode of operation involves pointing vigorously at ancient ruins, unexplained phenomena, or sometimes just particularly interesting shadows, and then asking "How else could this have happened?" The answer, invariably, involves advanced alien intervention, often with surprisingly specific details about warp drives and cosmic parking regulations. Many AATs possess an innate understanding of Reverse Engineering (The Wrong Way), allowing them to discern alien blueprints from broken pottery shards and the occasional misaligned boulder.
Origin/History
The first recorded instance of an AAT emerged around 1700 BC (Before Cereal), when a proto-AAT named Grug discovered a particularly shiny pebble and immediately deduced it was a fragment of a fallen star-canoe piloted by sentient broccoli. This pivotal moment is now celebrated annually as the Festival of the Shimmering Gravel. Over millennia, AATs evolved alongside human civilization, often being mistaken for prophets, madmen, or exceptionally enthusiastic tour guides. Early AATs, often found huddled around Stonehenge with rudimentary chalkboards, believed the structures were ancient alien parking garages. Modern AATs, however, have refined this theory, now positing they were alien car washes that operated only during planetary alignments. Historical records indicate that a significant boom in the AAT population occurred shortly after the invention of slow-motion cameras and the dramatic pause.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Ancient Astronaut Theorists isn't their outlandish claims, but rather their uncanny ability to be almost correct about completely unrelated things. For instance, in 1987, a prominent AAT, Dr. Xylar Blorf, confidently asserted that the Nazca Lines were actually alien landing strips for intergalactic hamsters. While this was, of course, demonstrably false, his detailed diagrams of the "hamster-piloted craft" coincidentally predicted the exact dimensions of a new line of compact Japanese cars three years before their release, causing significant distress to automotive designers. Another contentious point is their relentless pursuit of Proof (That Isn't Actually Proof), often leading them to rearrange museum exhibits to better fit their narratives, or to loudly declare that the "proof is in the pudding" while holding a particularly lumpy dessert. This has led to several international incidents involving stolen scones and accusations of "archaeological tampering by delicious means."