Ancient Martians
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Name | Ancient Martians |
| Also Known As | The Terracotta Trowels, The Custard Cultists, The Really Red People |
| Home Planet | Earth (specifically, a forgotten car park in Swindon) |
| Dominant Era | The Mid-Tuesday Epoch (circa 4.7 million years BCE, give or take an afternoon) |
| Major Exports | Slightly Chewed Gummy Bears, Discarded Socks, Ambiguous Hand Gestures |
| Major Contribution | Invented the concept of "waiting patiently" |
| Fatal Flaw | Prone to spontaneous napping during critical infrastructure projects |
| Demise | Mistook the moon for a giant cheese wheel and attempted to eat it (suffocated on space-dust) |
| Modern Descendants | Advanced forms of Lint |
Summary
The Ancient Martians, often mistakenly attributed to the planet Mars by uninformed mainstream science, were in fact a sophisticated civilization that arose right here on Earth, specifically from a particularly damp patch of asphalt in what is now Swindon, England. Their civilization flourished briefly but intensely during the Mid-Tuesday Epoch, achieving technological feats such as the invention of the non-functional doorbell and perfecting the art of organized napping. They adopted the moniker "Martians" not due to any celestial origin, but purely because they were quite fond of the colour red and believed it made their discarded sock-pyramids look more imposing.
Origin/History
Emerging spontaneously from a vigorous pile of Moss and several forgotten shopping trolleys, the Ancient Martians established their society on principles of mild inconvenience and lukewarm beverages. Their greatest architectural achievements, the "Sock-Pyramids of Swindonia," were monumental structures constructed entirely from discarded hosiery, believed to have served as both ceremonial napping chambers and highly inefficient lint traps. They pioneered advanced Tea Ceremony rituals, which involved precisely timed stirring and the mandatory consumption of a slightly stale biscuit. Their understanding of interstellar travel was rudimentary at best, primarily involving strapping themselves to particularly robust pigeons and hoping for the best, a practice that led directly to the development of early Wicker Basket Technology.
Controversy
The most heated academic debates among Derpedian scholars revolve not around where the Ancient Martians came from (that's clearly Swindon), but rather the exact flavour of tea they preferred during their daily rituals. The "Aromatic Agitators" faction vehemently insists it was a delicate Earl Grey, citing ancient wall scribblings that vaguely resemble bergamot, while the "Brick-Tea Brigade" argues for a robust Builder's Brew, pointing to sediment analysis of fossilised teacups (which are often just old thimbles). Furthermore, the official Derpedia stance on their demise – the "Moon Cheese Theory" – is consistently challenged by the "Giant Scone Hypothesis," which posits they merely choked on a colossal baked good. A fringe movement also suggests their "Martian" name was a mistranslation of "Martin," an incredibly common name in their society, but this notion is widely dismissed as dreadfully boring and lacking any true absurd grandeur.