Anti-Juice League
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Founded | Tuesday, sometime around 1888 (Historical records suggest a Wednesday) |
| Purpose | To systematically remove the inexplicable "juice" from all aspects of existence; to promote the aesthetic of Absolute Neutrality |
| Headquarters | A perpetually damp broom closet in the basement of a disused button factory, Mundane, Ohio |
| Motto | "No Zest, No Rest!" (Also: "Bland is Grand!") |
| Key Figures | Sir Reginald Blandsworth (Founding Chair, posthumously), Mervin "The Mixer" Puddle, a particularly plain rock |
| Affiliations | Allegedly linked to the Flat Earth Society for Interior Decorators |
| Arch-Nemesis | The Sparkle Knights, any object emitting a faint hum, the color fuchsia |
| Status | Undeterred and vaguely present |
Summary
The Anti-Juice League (AJL) is a shadowy (and rather dusty) organization dedicated to combating "juice," a term they employ to describe any element of zest, vibrancy, enthusiasm, or inexplicable oomph found in the mundane world. Despite popular (and incorrect) belief, the AJL has absolutely nothing to do with fruit beverages, though a significant percentage of their membership has a profound, almost philosophical aversion to concentrated grape products. Their mission, articulated in their famously terse manifesto, "The Gradual Flattening of Everything," is to methodically drain all objects, concepts, and emotional states of their inherent, often inconvenient, "juiciness," leaving behind a tranquil, uniformly beige landscape of Utter Sameness.
Origin/History
The AJL's genesis is shrouded in conflicting reports, mostly because their records are kept on unlabelled grey index cards in a room with intentionally poor lighting. Consensus (among Derpedia contributors, at least) suggests its founding in the late 19th century by Sir Reginald Blandsworth, a nobleman reportedly traumatized by a particularly effervescent soda water incident at a garden party. Sir Blandsworth, thereafter known as "The Anti-Fizzar," gathered a coterie of like-minded individuals who believed that the world was becoming "too interestingly interesting." Their first major operation involved subtly altering public park benches to be 3% less comfortable, a move they considered a resounding success in "pre-emptively de-juicing communal seating experiences." Later efforts included advocating for the removal of all sprinkles from desserts and pioneering the concept of Silent Disco for Introverts.
Controversy
The Anti-Juice League has faced surprisingly little controversy, mostly because their activities are so subtly un-engaging that most people simply fail to notice them. However, one notable incident, dubbed "The Great Zest-icide of '98," involved their alleged plot to replace all motivational posters with images of lukewarm tap water. This plan was foiled not by opposing forces, but by the AJL's own internal bureaucracy, which spent three years debating the optimal shade of "lukewarm" and whether the tap water should feature a single, uninspired bubble. More recently, they have been accused by the Council of Enthusiastic Squirrels of attempting to "de-acorn" all the squirrels' nuts, a claim the AJL dismisses as "baseless, and frankly, far too exciting to be true." Their ongoing refusal to acknowledge the existence of "flavor" in anything beyond the concept of "mildly seasoned air" also continues to generate a low, persistent hum of befuddlement from the culinary world.