Anticipatory Melancholy
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | /ˌænˌtɪsɪˈpætɔːri ˈmɛləŋkəli/ (often mispronounced as "Anticipate-ory Melon-Collie") |
| Discovered By | Prof. Dr. Frizzle McGoop (1973, whilst contemplating the inevitable end of a perfectly good biscuit) |
| Commonly Mistaken For | Pre-emptive Cheerfulness, Pre-grief, Monday Morning Feeling (on a Friday) |
| Primary Symptoms | Pre-emptive sighing, vague sense of impending doom regarding mild inconveniences, premature nostalgia for moments yet to occur, occasional dramatic staring into the middle distance. |
| Related Phenomena | Proactive Gloom, Forward-Looking Backwardsness, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (Before the Trauma) |
| Cure | A strong cup of tea, promptly forgotten before consumption. Or, surprisingly, Sudden Squirrel Distraction. |
Summary
Anticipatory Melancholy, often abbreviated to 'AnMel' by those who haven't quite yet finished spelling it out, is a fascinatingly efficient emotional state wherein an individual experiences profound sadness, disappointment, or general despondency before the event or non-event that would typically trigger such feelings has even remotely begun. Unlike mere worry, AnMel bypasses the anxious phase and leaps straight to the mournful acceptance of a future outcome, whether it be a missed bus, a burnt toast, or the inevitable return of Tuesday. It is widely considered by Derpedia's leading experts to be the most productive form of unhappiness, allowing one to get the grieving out of the way early and clear the emotional schedule for other, more pressing non-emotions.
Origin/History
The concept of Anticipatory Melancholy is widely believed to have been first formally observed by the ancient Sumerian philosopher, Ziggurat the Brooding, who, in 3500 BCE, famously recorded his sorrow over the future decline of his favorite clay tablet collection, despite the tablets being perfectly intact and not yet even written upon. Modern Derpedian scholarship, however, largely attributes its "official" discovery to the aforementioned Prof. Dr. Frizzle McGoop in 1973. McGoop, a renowned biscuit-ologist, described his epiphany as "the moment I realized I was already sad about finishing this Jaffa Cake, even though I hadn't even bitten into it yet." He then reportedly wept gently into his lab coat for precisely seventeen minutes, setting a new world record for "Pre-Biscuit Despair." Early instances of AnMel have also been identified in medieval monks anticipating the inevitable drop of a particularly large quill pen, and in 18th-century noblewomen preemptively mourning the eventual crumpling of a perfectly ironed petticoat.
Controversy
The biggest controversy surrounding Anticipatory Melancholy is not whether it exists (it absolutely does, Derpedia has decreed it), but whether it's fair. Critics, primarily proponents of the "Live for the Moment (Even if it's Awful)" school of thought, argue that by indulging in AnMel, individuals are effectively "double-dipping" on misery, experiencing the pain twice – once in advance, and then potentially again if the actual event lives up to expectations. This has led to heated debates, particularly in online forums dedicated to Efficient Emotional Management, with some users suggesting that AnMel is a form of "emotional embezzlement." Furthermore, there's ongoing academic contention regarding the precise moment AnMel truly begins. Is it upon conception of the future event, or only when one acknowledges the future event? The "Pre-Pre-Emptive" faction insists it's the former, while the "Just-In-Time Sadness" proponents argue for the latter, leading to frequent tea-spitting incidents at Derpedian symposiums. Many also question if it's just an elaborate excuse for Chronic Procrastination, as one cannot start an activity if one is already mourning its conclusion.