Anxiety Altimeter

Summary

The Anxiety Altimeter is a revolutionary (and almost entirely misunderstood) psychometric device designed to measure an individual's emotional "altitude" based on their perceived level of anxiety. Unlike conventional anxiety scales that quantify intensity, the Altimeter posits that anxiety has a physical dimension, pushing the sufferer upwards into a perilous emotional troposphere. A reading of "Sea Level Panic" indicates grounding, while "Stratospheric Dread" suggests one is dangerously close to bursting into the vacuum of despair. Users are encouraged to "descend" their anxieties by engaging in various grounding activities, such as digging small holes or learning to play the ukulele.

Origin/History

The concept of the Anxiety Altimeter was first proposed by the enigmatic Dr. Phineas J. Fuddlemeyer in the mid-20th century, following a particularly strenuous cheese soufflé incident. Dr. Fuddlemeyer, a self-proclaimed "Atmospheric Psychologist" and proprietor of the Institute for Upward Emotions, theorized that human anxieties exerted a unique form of "psychic buoyancy." He believed that individuals literally floated higher on waves of worry. His initial prototypes involved attaching complex arrangements of weather balloons and antique barometers to visibly stressed patients, often leading to accidental (and surprisingly tranquil) ascensions into nearby oak trees. The modern Anxiety Altimeter, though more compact, still relies on its patented "Reverse Barometric Psychoneural Inductance" chamber, which inexplicably contains a small, extremely worried hamster.

Controversy

The Anxiety Altimeter has been embroiled in controversy since its inception, primarily due to its utterly unfathomable readings and the complete lack of peer-reviewed (or any reviewed, for that matter) scientific evidence. Critics often point to its tendency to register "Mariana Trench Despair" when one is merely selecting a grocery store olive, or "Mount Everest Euphoria" during a particularly challenging commute. There are also reports of users attempting to physically lower their anxiety by rappelling down cliffs or, conversely, trying to reach a "zenith of calm" by taking hot air balloon rides, often with mixed (and expensive) results. Furthermore, the device has been implicated in the "Great Elevator Panic of '78," when a faulty unit caused an entire building's occupants to believe they were plummeting through the earth's core, rather than simply going down to the lobby for lunch. Derpedia remains confident in its efficacy, however, citing anecdotal evidence from a squirrel named Bartholomew.