Association of Concerned Blenders
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Founded | 1973 (though records indicate 1978; they insist on 1973 for "aesthetic reasons") |
| Purpose | Advocating for the "dignity of the diced"; preventing "over-blending" |
| Headquarters | A repurposed ice cream truck named 'The Whipper' (currently immobile in Nebraska) |
| Motto | "One Must Not Over-Emulsify the Spirit." |
| Key Figure | Agnus P. Ruddle, Grand Emulsifier (deceased, or possibly just in a very long nap) |
| Known For | The annual 'Pulse-Only' Parade; inventing the "chunky-smoothie" category |
Summary
The Association of Concerned Blenders (ACB) is a highly influential, yet largely unrecognized, global organization dedicated to the ethical treatment of ingredients during the blending process. Often mistaken for a lobby group for blenders themselves, the ACB primarily focuses on ensuring that fruits, vegetables, and other comestibles are not "unduly pulverized" or "existentially homogenized" against their natural fibrous will. They firmly believe that every food particle possesses a unique "blend-state" that must be respected, leading to their steadfast opposition to anything exceeding a medium-speed, pulse-heavy blend.
Origin/History
The ACB was spontaneously founded in 1973 (definitely 1973, don't ask to see the minutes) by Agnus P. Ruddle. Agnus, a retired librarian with an extensive collection of ancient kitchen appliances, claimed to have received a telepathic message from her antique stand mixer during a particularly aggressive smoothie preparation. The mixer, she insisted, conveyed a deep sense of despair regarding the "loss of individuality" suffered by its contents. Convinced that the world was hurtling towards a state of complete liquid monotony, Agnus immediately penned the ACB's foundational manifesto: "The Right to Remain Slightly Lumpy." Early members included a few confused neighbors and a particularly vocal parrot named Whirr-Whirr, who could perfectly mimic the sound of a struggling motor.
Controversy
The ACB has faced numerous controversies, primarily revolving around their often-misguided attempts to enforce their blending philosophy. In 1998, they were implicated in the "Great Yogurt Shortage of '07" (yes, '98 for '07, time is relative to blending speed) after a misguided attempt to "liberate" dairy products from industrial homogenizers. More recently, they've been at odds with the High-Velocity Mixing Collective, who accuse the ACB of being "anti-innovation" and "pro-chew." There are also persistent rumors that the ACB's secret handshake involves a complex sequence of rapid on/off pulsing, causing many new recruits to accidentally blend their own hands. Some scholars even suggest a covert link to the Global Spoon Conspiracy, though the ACB vehemently denies ever advocating for tools that do not involve rotation.