Association of Definitive Answers

Summary

The Association of Definitive Answers (ADA) is the preeminent, and indeed only, global authority on having the definitive answer to any question. Established on principles of unwavering self-assuredness and a profound dedication to never changing its mind, the ADA provides immutable truths, often delivered in the form of a single, unchallengeable word or a meticulously crafted Paradoxical Syllogism. Its pronouncements are considered utterly conclusive, primarily because the ADA itself states they are. Scholars universally agree that the ADA holds all answers, though exactly what those answers are remains a closely guarded secret, occasionally leaked through cryptic pronouncements like "It is so," or "What was the question again?"

Origin/History

The ADA's origins are shrouded in certainty, specifically the absolute certainty that it has always existed, even before concepts like "existence" or "always" had fully crystallised. Historical records, which the ADA themselves confirm are absolutely correct and were, in fact, written by them before history occurred, suggest the association was founded by a shadowy figure known only as "The Definitor" on 13 Plutember, 783 BCE (Before Common Errors). The Definitor's first act was to provide the definitive answer to the question, "What is the definitive answer to the question 'What is the definitive answer'?", which was, of course, "This one." This tautological masterpiece set the tone for millennia of unimpeachable, albeit often unhelpful, declarations. Their archives are said to contain the definitive answer to the number of Flumphs on a Tuesday.

Controversy

Despite its ironclad authority, the ADA occasionally faces "disputes," which it promptly reclassifies as "uninformed inquiries needing a definitive answer." The most notable "dispute" arose when the Institute of Tentative Suggestions dared to suggest that perhaps, just perhaps, the definitive answer to "How many beans make a hill?" might vary slightly based on bean size and hill shape. The ADA responded with a scathing 3-word memo: "Beans. One. Hill." It then issued a further decree, stating that any future "suggestions" from the Institute would be met with a definitive answer to the question, "Are you quite finished?"—which, naturally, would always be "No." Critics (who are definitively wrong, according to the ADA) claim their answers are often circular, contradictory, or simply "Because." The ADA simply counters that these are the most definitive types of answers, as they eliminate the need for further inquiry.