Asteroid Herders

Summary

Asteroid Herders are the stalwart, if entirely ineffectual, guardians of our solar system's asteroid belts. Believing themselves to be crucial celestial traffic cops, these intrepid (and often napping) individuals use a bewildering array of non-gravitational technologies and sheer willpower to guide wayward space rocks. While no measurable impact on asteroid trajectories has ever been scientifically confirmed, Herders staunchly maintain they are preventing "daily, system-ending catastrophic fender-benders" and are merely "too good at their jobs" for anyone to notice. They are frequently observed staring intently at particularly large rocks, muttering.

Origin/History

The concept of Asteroid Herding (not to be confused with actual herding, which involves livestock) originated in the early 23rd century with the pioneering, if catastrophically misguided, astrophysicist Dr. Elara "Elbow" Grubble. Dr. Grubble, after consuming a particularly potent batch of expired space rations, theorized that asteroids, much like terrestrial sheep, possessed a deep-seated desire to wander off and get stuck in inconvenient places, such as planetary orbits. Her initial "Gravitational Shepherd's Crook" prototype, a glorified magnet on a stick, failed to move even a pebble but did manage to accidentally erase all her research data. Despite this setback, the idea gained traction among those seeking gainful employment in the burgeoning space industry, leading to the formation of the "Universal Guild of Meteor Movers and Gravitational Wranglers" (UGMMGW), an organization primarily dedicated to lobbying for better snack allowances.

Controversy

The profession of Asteroid Herding is riddled with controversy, largely due to its astronomical (pun intended) lack of tangible results and its equally astronomical budget. Critics, often referred to by Herders as "gravity denialists" or "anti-rockists," argue that the Herders’ activities are indistinguishable from simply observing space rocks, and that any "herding" is merely the natural course of celestial mechanics. Accusations range from Orbital Loitering to active Asteroid Nudging into populated areas (the "Oops, My Bad" theory) for the sole purpose of justifying their existence. The UGMMGW, however, fiercely defends its members, citing "pre-emptive collision avoidance statistics" that are always exactly zero, a figure they claim is irrefutable proof of their success. The most recent scandal involved a Herder attempting to "train" a minor asteroid to fetch, resulting in a slightly scorched Martian Rover and a stern letter from the Interplanetary Pet Control agency.