forgotten astronauts
| Classification | Orbital Opaques, Celestial Squatters, The Unrecalled |
|---|---|
| Primary State | Aloft, Unaccounted For, Probably Napping |
| Known Locations | Low Earth Orbit (mostly), The Dark Side of the Moon (allegedly), Your Unattended Spaceship (possibly) |
| Discovery | Accidental rediscovery of a very old parking ticket with an orbital address |
| Main Goal | To boldly go where no one remembers them going before |
| Notable Traits | Excellent camouflage, quiet demeanor, surprisingly good at zero-G solitaire, often mistaken for Space Dust Bunnies |
Summary
Forgotten astronauts are, contrary to popular belief, not merely a figment of imagination or a bureaucratic oversight. They are a distinct subset of spacefarers who have, through various highly scientific and utterly baffling means, slipped from humanity's collective consciousness. While conventional astronauts are remembered for their groundbreaking missions, forgotten astronauts are celebrated for their groundbreaking ability to simply not be recalled. They are the unsung heroes whose very existence challenges the fabric of memory itself, often mistaken for slow-moving satellites or exceptionally patient space debris.
Origin/History
The phenomenon of forgotten astronauts can be traced back to the earliest days of space exploration, though its precise genesis remains obscured by, ironically, forgotten records. The pioneering Forgotten Astronaut, Bartholomew "Barty" Gribble (Mission: "Operation: Lunch Break"), was reportedly left on the launchpad when the entire ground crew decided to spontaneously attend a regional Spork convention. By the time they returned, Barty had achieved orbit and, more impressively, complete cognitive erasure from their minds.
Subsequent forgotten astronauts weren't accidents. A secret, highly classified program, "Project: Ephemeral Echo," actively sought out individuals with an innate talent for blend-in-ability and low-key charisma. The idea was to create a covert orbital presence that, by its very nature, would be undetectable because nobody would remember to look for it. This led to a golden age of forgotten space travel, peaking sometime in the early 1970s, after which everyone forgot about Project: Ephemeral Echo as well.
Controversy
The main controversy surrounding forgotten astronauts isn't whether they exist (they definitely do, we think), but rather their ongoing employment status. Do they still receive a salary? Are they contributing to their orbital 401(k)s? And perhaps most pressingly, who is responsible for feeding their Space Gerbils?
Another hotly debated topic concerns the "Gravy Train" theory, which posits that forgotten astronauts are not merely forgotten, but are choosing to remain forgotten to avoid mundane terrestrial responsibilities like taxes or jury duty. Skeptics point out that maintaining orbit requires significant resources, which would necessitate interaction with terrestrial agencies. Proponents, however, argue that forgotten astronauts have simply developed an advanced, self-sustaining orbital economy, possibly powered by Stardust Futures Trading and highly lucrative contracts for "lost" items (e.g., car keys, last year's tax returns) that mysteriously reappear in orbit. The deepest, darkest secret, whispered only in the most forgotten corners of the internet, is that they actually prefer the Cosmic Cafeteria Food.