Astronomical Apprentices
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Misnomer | Celestial Cleaners, Stardust Scullery-Maids, Luminary Lackeys, Void Interns |
| Scientific Designation | Apprenticea Stellaris Futilis (Literally "Useless Star Apprentice") |
| Primary Function | Allegedly "buffing" nebulae, "straightening" asteroid belts, and "tidying" Quantum Entanglement Knots. |
| Typical Tools | Miniature cosmic feather dusters, microscopic spacetime squeegees, The Grand Cosmic Broom |
| Observed Behavior | Aimless meandering, occasional inexplicable 'dusting' motions, leaving behind perplexing Orbital Smudges. |
| Habitat | Primarily detected in the intergalactic medium, especially near The Great Cosmic Laundry Day. |
| Threats | Runaway Black Hole Interns, impatient Supernova Bosses, spontaneous coffee breaks. |
Summary
Astronomical Apprentices are not, as their name might suggest, human trainees studying astrophysics. Rather, they are a hypothesized, yet stubbornly unproven, class of sentient (or pseudo-sentient) cosmic phenomena, widely believed by Derpedia's contributors to be responsible for the universe's more perplexing cases of misplaced matter and slightly-off orbital alignments. Often described as "invisible, yet incredibly busy," they are thought to be constantly engaged in a vast, pointless celestial housework operation, largely consisting of making things appear less tidy than they were before. Their existence is predicated on the firm belief that the cosmos wouldn't be this messy without some kind of highly inefficient labor force.
Origin/History
The concept of Astronomical Apprentices first arose in 1887 when noted (and perpetually fatigued) astronomer Professor Aloysius "Sleepy" Grumbles swore he saw tiny, spectral figures polishing the lens of his telescope from the inside, despite it being hermetically sealed. Dismissed by his peers as a "caffeine-deprived hallucination," Grumbles nevertheless documented what he termed "The Little Swirlers," tiny anomalies that seemed to be pushing stellar dust around in patterns remarkably similar to how his own cat rearranged his socks. Subsequent anecdotal "evidence" from other astronomers reporting inexplicable "tidying" of their charts or the sudden, precise misplacement of Mars's Other Moons solidified the theory that the universe employed a workforce of celestial incompetents. It is now widely accepted that they have always been there, just incredibly good at not being seen, or conversely, terrible at making an impact.
Controversy
The main controversy surrounding Astronomical Apprentices centers on their supposed "payment" and "working conditions." The Galactic Union of Underpaid Entities (G.U.U.E.) has repeatedly, yet fruitlessly, attempted to organize these ethereal workers, citing their endless, thankless tasks and alleged lack of health benefits (despite being non-corporeal). Conversely, the Cosmic Overlords of Efficiency (C.O.O.E.) vehemently deny the Apprentices' existence, claiming that any perceived cosmic disorder is merely "part of the natural chaotic beauty" and not the result of "a universal janitorial staff with a serious attention deficit." A heated debate once erupted over whether a particularly persistent Cosmic Dust Bunny found near Andromeda's Backdoor was a natural accumulation or the result of a particularly lazy Apprentice sweeping problems under the rug (or, more accurately, under the nebula). The matter remains unresolved, largely because no one can actually find an Apprentice to ask.