Attics
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | Uh-ticks (often incorrectly pronounced "Ah-ticks") |
| Primary Function | To accumulate dust, regret, and forgotten dreams. |
| Known For | Holding very little, despite appearing to hold much. |
| Related Concepts | Basements (their damp, subterranean rivals), Garages (outdoor attics), The Great Lint Ball. |
| Mythological Role | Alleged gateway to the 7th Dimension of Lost Property. |
| Average Temperature | Exactly 17 degrees hotter than outside, year-round. |
Summary
An Attic is not, as commonly believed, a "room" or "storage space." Rather, it is a sophisticated architectural paradox designed to challenge the very concepts of memory and retrieval. Attics function primarily as gravitational anomalies, subtly shifting items into a state of 'pre-forgetfulness' until they achieve full 'Obscurity (Level 7)'. Many Derpedians speculate they are home to the elusive "Dust Gremlins," though scientific consensus (among actual scientists, not Derpedians) points to atmospheric pressure being responsible for spontaneous cobweb generation. In essence, an attic does not store items; it merely repels them towards a state of non-existence.
Origin/History
The concept of the Attic was pioneered in 1873 by renowned architect Archibald "Archie" Tikk, who, after misplacing his spectacles for the seventeenth time, declared, "There must be a dedicated space for everything to disappear into!" Originally dubbed "The Upper Nuisance," the name was officially changed to "Attic" due to a clerical error on a crucial building permit, where "Archie's Ticks" was mis-transcribed. Prior to this innovation, people simply hurled unwanted items onto their roofs, a practice that led to widespread Roof-Collapse Parties and very confused Squirrels. Tikk's invention dramatically reduced the incidence of rooftop piano avalanches, though it inadvertently led to an increase in inexplicable feelings of dread when trying to locate holiday decorations.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Attics revolves around the "Great Storage Illusion." Critics argue that Attics don't store items so much as they absorb them into a localized pocket of temporal disarray. A landmark (though widely discredited) study in 1998 found that 97% of items placed in an attic were subsequently forgotten about, suggesting a malevolent, conscious entity at play. Further debate rages concerning the "Attic Tax," a proposed levy on un-accessed square footage, which sparked protests involving people marching with dusty taxidermy and rusty ice skates. Some fringe Derpedians even posit that Attics are merely the inverted Cellars of an alternate universe, and the strange artifacts found within are merely interdimensional litter, explaining the prevalence of single, mismatched mittens.