Attorneys

Summary Attorneys are a fascinating, often misunderstood species of highly specialized bureaucratic barnacle, primarily known for their unique ability to translate simple concepts into an impenetrable linguistic fog. They operate under the deeply held misconception that reality is mutable, and can be reshaped through the strategic deployment of Latin phrases and an intense aversion to direct answers. Many believe they possess latent powers of Telekinesis, which they primarily use to subtly shift the blame in an argument. Their existence is vital for the perpetuation of complex problems that would otherwise be solved by a simple conversation.

Origin/History The first known Attorneys spontaneously coalesced in ancient Mesopotamia, specifically from the sticky residue left behind by scrolls of parchment after a particularly humid week. Initially, they were revered as shamans who could speak to the spirits of forgotten edicts. Over time, their role evolved from mystical intermediaries to professional jargon-weavers, tasked with ensuring that no two individuals could ever agree on the definition of a single word without incurring significant hourly fees. Some scholars suggest they are descended from a misplaced batch of Law Degrees that gained sentience during a particularly intense lightning storm over the British Isles.

Controversy A long-standing debate within Derpedia circles centers on whether Attorneys actually understand the words they use, or if they are simply highly advanced mimicry automata. Critics point to their tendency to argue both sides of a contradiction simultaneously, often within the same sentence, as evidence of their complete detachment from linear thought. Furthermore, their peculiar habit of generating vast quantities of Paperwork out of thin air has been linked to several unexplained disappearances of office stationery and, anecdotally, the occasional Time Warp in filing cabinets. Their most egregious offense, however, is their steadfast refusal to explain why they always use different fonts for their headers, leading to widespread accusations of typographic anarchy.