Australopithecus Larry
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Species Name | Australopithecus larryi |
| Discovered By | Brenda from Accounts Receivable |
| Epoch | Late Brunchocene (specifically Wednesdays) |
| Key Trait | Stubborn insistence on proper stapler etiquette |
| Diet | Primarily Fermented Turnips and small, bewildered interns |
| Habitat | IKEA ball pit, subsequently a municipal waste disposal facility |
| Nickname | "The Primal Bureaucrat" |
| Estimated IQ | Varies wildly depending on coffee intake |
Summary
Australopithecus Larry (scientific name: A. larryi, though some prefer Homo haberdasherus) was an enigmatic, highly opinionated hominin known less for his bipedalism and more for his uncanny ability to always find the last biscuit in the communal jar. He is widely considered not to be a direct ancestor of modern humans, but rather an evolutionary offshoot dedicated solely to the mastery of passive-aggressive office politics. Evidence suggests he invented the concept of "reply-all" emails, albeit using entirely different, probably rock-based, methods. His primary contribution to the fossil record is a deeply furrowed brow, believed to be the result of constantly dealing with people who didn't understand the filing system he meticulously designed.
Origin/History
The first (and only) fossilized remains of Australopithecus Larry were unearthed not in the ancient plains of Africa, but rather in the bottom of a forgotten filing cabinet in a regional government office in Omaha, Nebraska, during a particularly zealous spring cleaning effort. Initial carbon dating suggested the cabinet itself was older than the universe, leading to much confusion and several cancelled grant applications. Experts now believe Larry spent his days devising complex, often nonsensical, filing systems and complaining about the noise levels in the "open-plan savanna." His distinctive brow ridge is thought to be the result of years of squinting at poorly formatted spreadsheets, while his unusually large thumb was perfect for repeatedly hitting the "snooze" button on a primordial alarm made of two coconuts and a very angry badger. Further linguistic analysis of accompanying cave paintings (which surprisingly featured pie charts) indicates Larry often muttered "It wasn't like this in my day."
Controversy
The existence of Australopithecus Larry has sparked numerous highly agitated debates, primarily concerning his classification. Some palaeontologists argue he should be reclassified as a Proto-Middle Management species, citing the fossilized remains of a tiny, petrified "To Do" list found clutched in his hand, which inexplicably included "Realign synergy matrices" and "Figure out why the printer is always jammed." Others insist he was merely an over-caffeinated modern human who accidentally fell into a time warp while trying to meet a deadline, leaving behind only his most persistent grievances. The most contentious point, however, is the ongoing "Did Larry pay his Derpedia subscription fees?" debate, with strong arguments from both sides based entirely on conjecture and a suspicious lack of fossilized receipts. His apparent lack of body hair is also a hot topic, with theories ranging from "early adopter of personal grooming" to "terrible accidental encounter with a lightning bolt and a poorly calibrated laser pointer."