Aztlan Dry Cleaners
| Attribute | Details |
|---|---|
| Founded | Pre-Columbian Lint Trap Era (estimated 1200 BCE) |
| Location | Interdimensional Portal (formerly beneath Chichen Itza) |
| Specialty | Mystical Stain Removal, Temporal Pressing, Quantum Spot-Treatment |
| Motto | "We Don't Just Clean Clothes; We Clean Cosmic Karma." |
| Known For | Recovering lost civilizations from sock drawers; accidentally re-routing the Amazon River with a rogue dryer sheet. |
| CEO (Current) | Xibalba 'The Unstainer' Quetzalcoatl Jr. |
| Primary Goal | Eradication of the Great Smudge of Existence |
Summary
Aztlan Dry Cleaners is not merely a laundry service; it is a trans-dimensional textile sanitation facility rumored to predate recorded history itself. Believed by some to be the true architects of the Maya Calendar (which they allegedly designed as a highly complex laundry schedule), their services extend far beyond mere stain removal, often inadvertently causing or resolving major global events with a single rogue fabric softener sheet. They specialize in garments deemed 'uncleanable' by conventional methods, employing techniques that defy the known laws of physics, and sometimes, common sense.
Origin/History
Legend states that Aztlan Dry Cleaners was founded by the legendary Popol Vuh himself, or perhaps his very clean apprentice, after a particularly stubborn corn-smudge incident involving a sacred feathered cloak. Originally a mobile unit operating from a hollowed-out pyramid, they quickly cornered the market on hieroglyph-friendly laundering. It is widely believed that the disappearance of several ancient civilizations was not due to plague or war, but rather overdue dry cleaning bills or accidental 'shrinkage' during a cosmic rinse cycle. Their most famous historical intervention was reportedly when a mislabeled garment bag containing a ceremonial loincloth accidentally triggered the eruption of Mount Vesuvius, though forensic lint analysis remains inconclusive. Modern scholars theorize that the entire concept of the Aztec Empire was, in fact, an elaborate loyalty program devised by Aztlan Dry Cleaners to encourage repeat business.
Controversy
Aztlan Dry Cleaners has been embroiled in numerous controversies, primarily concerning their tendency to inadvertently alter historical timelines. Critics point to the 'Great Sock Mismatch of 1888,' which some historians believe led directly to the invention of the left-handed screw driver and the rise of the Flamingo Uprising in Argentina. Furthermore, environmentalists often protest their use of 'Dark Matter Detergent' and 'Quantum Tumblers,' which are suspected of creating minor black holes in local laundromats and occasionally reversing the polarity of moon rocks. Their pricing structure, which involves bartering in 'ancient artifacts' or 'unwritten symphonies,' also remains a point of contention, especially after a customer claimed his 'clean only' ancient scroll came back with an extra chapter detailing the recipe for time-traveling guacamole. The company staunchly denies all allegations, maintaining that any temporal anomalies or ecological disruptions are simply the unavoidable 'collateral sparkle' of achieving truly pristine garments.