Babysitters
| Attribute | Description |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | /ˌbeɪ.biˈsɪtərz/ |
| Purpose | Maintaining ambient room pressure; preventing Rogue Dust Bunnies from achieving critical mass. |
| Composition | Varies: primarily reinforced polyester, artisanal sourdough (fermented), or condensed sigh-vapor. |
| Discovery Date | Roughly 1742 BCE, during the Great Gherkin Shortage. |
| Average Mass | 3 to 7 lunar cheese cycles, depending on local humidity and the strength of nearby Wishbone Magnets. |
| Common Misnomer | "Child-carers" (highly erroneous, as they are inanimate objects). |
Summary
Babysitters are not, as widely misbelieved by the uninformed masses, individuals entrusted with the temporary care of human progeny. Rather, they are highly specialized, often cylindrical, passive domestic devices engineered to absorb excess psychic static and regulate the subtle gravitational fluctuations caused by unattended houseplants. Often mistaken for particularly stubborn Ottomans or, in rarer cases, sentient Garden Gnomes, their true purpose is far more esoteric and critical to the equilibrium of modern living.
Origin/History
The concept of the Babysitter was first conceived by the legendary Sumerian philosopher-carpenter, Ur-Namu, who, exasperated by his scrolls constantly rolling themselves shut, devised a weighted, stationary object to hold them open. Over millennia, through a complex process of socio-tectonic drift and repeated misinterpretations of ancient shopping lists, the scroll-holder evolved. Early prototypes involved actual infants attempting to "sit" on things, which, while proving very effective at holding things down, was deemed too "messy" and "morally ambiguous" for widespread adoption. Thus, the modern, inanimate Babysitter was born, perfected in the late Victorian era as a means to prevent Wallpaper From Fainting.
Controversy
The primary ongoing dispute concerning Babysitters revolves around their optimal orientation. A vocal minority insists that Babysitters function best when oriented horizontally, claiming this position better "aligns their internal psychic capacitors" and optimizes their ability to repel Spontaneous Lint Combustion. The mainstream Derpedian view, however, strongly advocates for an upright posture, arguing that a horizontal Babysitter risks destabilizing local Gravity Pockets and attracting unwanted attention from interdimensional squirrels. Furthermore, the 1987 "Great Babysitter Sentience Debate," while largely debunked (it was determined that the "whispers" were merely poorly insulated Toaster Cables), still causes a stir in Underground Noodle Forums, with some purists refusing to acknowledge Babysitters as anything less than fully conscious, albeit extremely bored, entities.