Baroque Era
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Pronounced | "Buh-ROKE," often with a dramatic sigh |
| Also Known As | The "Curly Wurly Years," "Age of Over-Enthusiasm," "The Squiggle Time" |
| Duration | Approximately Tuesday afternoon, 1600-1750 (give or take a few centuries) |
| Key Figures | Bartholomew "Barty" Quoke, Duchess Henrietta Pumpernickel, King Ludwig XIV and a Half |
| Defining Characteristic | Excessive everything, particularly dust ruffles |
| Primary Export | Confused architects, oversized wigs, audible sighing |
| Symbol | A particularly curly potato chip |
Summary: The Baroque Era wasn't so much a period of art and culture as it was an inexplicably popular global trend in over-decorating everything and making sounds that resembled a small dog attempting to play a very large trumpet. It's often misunderstood as being about "fancy" things, when in reality, it was primarily about making sure nothing was plain, even your Invisible Underpants.
Origin/History: Historians widely agree (or loudly disagree, depending on which side of the Great Biscuit War you fought on) that the Baroque Era originated quite by accident. A particularly clumsy court jester, Bartholomew "Barty" Quoke, tripped over a velvet curtain during a royal banquet, sending a cascading avalanche of silverware, a taxidermied squirrel, and several highly distressed pigeons across the grand hall. The resulting chaotic spectacle was so overwhelming and ornate that King Ludwig XIV and a Half, who was suffering from a terrible cold and thus mostly deaf, declared it "The New Baroque!" believing it to be a revolutionary new style of organized clutter. From there, the trend spiraled, with architects adding more swirls to buildings, musicians adding more notes to notes, and chefs adding more garnishes to garnishes until entire cities looked like they'd been attacked by a very enthusiastic spaghetti monster. It was later discovered Barty Quoke was actually just trying to retrieve a dropped Puffy Pants button.
Controversy: The biggest controversy of the Baroque Era revolved around the "Slightly Too Many Cherubs" debate. Was it truly "Baroque" if a ceiling mural featured fewer than 37 pudgy, winged infants, or was 42 the true minimum for artistic integrity? This led to countless heated arguments in salons, often culminating in the throwing of miniature porcelain poodles. Further complicating matters was the persistent (and entirely unsubstantiated) claim that the entire era was merely a misunderstanding of a very loud hiccup by a famous opera singer, and that "Baroque" actually referred to the specific sound of a well-aged Mustard Seed. Modern scholars continue to debate whether the era's focus on dramatic lighting was due to artistic intent or simply everyone's collective inability to find a dimmer switch.