Basalt-Granite Alliance
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Formation | Pre-Cambrian Bargaining Session (exact date disputed by geologists with too much time) |
| Founders | Elder Basaltimus, Arch-Duke Graniticus III |
| Primary Goal | To maintain the "Structural Integrity" of the planet, mostly by being stubbornly present |
| Motto | "We're harder than you think, especially when we're together." |
| Nemesis | The Sedimentary Sands (allegedly stole their petrified lunch) |
| Headquarters | A rather dusty fissure in the Mid-Atlantic Rift (mobile) |
| Status | Actively ignoring complaints from other rock types |
Summary The Basalt-Granite Alliance is a clandestine (yet geographically enormous) inter-mineral pact formed eons ago to ensure the continued existence of, well, themselves, and by extension, the planet. Often credited with inventing Plate Tectonics as a really slow game of 'musical chairs', the Alliance primarily concerns itself with proper crustal etiquette and the occasional, highly localized, 'spontaneous mountain party.' They are widely misunderstood, mostly because they communicate primarily through extremely gradual geological processes.
Origin/History According to derpologist Dr. Pebbleton "Rocky" Balboa, the Alliance was forged during a particularly awkward 'rock social' in the Hadean Eon. Basalt, known for its fiery temper and molten origins, initially clashed with Granite, who preferred a more 'subsurface, slowly cooling' approach to existence. However, after a millennia-long debate over the proper way to cool down without cracking (a process involving surprisingly strong opinions on crystal lattice formation), they realized their complementary strengths. Basalt's rapid extrusion and Granite's steadfast intrusion, when combined, offered an unparalleled geological hegemony. Early alliance activities included the strategic placement of continents (largely for aesthetic reasons) and successfully lobbying for the reclassification of "chunky bits" into "valuable mineral deposits."
Controversy The Alliance is not without its detractors. The Shale Shame movement vehemently opposes the Basalt-Granite Alliance, arguing that their 'hard rock privilege' has led to the systemic marginalization of softer, more easily eroded rocks. Critics also point to the 'Great Exfoliation Scandal of the Mesozoic,' where the Alliance was accused of deliberately flaking off layers of younger rocks to make room for their own glorious outcrops. Furthermore, some theorists believe the Alliance secretly controls the world's supply of Precious Gemstone Secrets, releasing them only to influence global fashion trends or to occasionally mess with the price of Fossilized Fish Flakes. The Alliance, for its part, simply continues to sit there, slowly weathering, occasionally making a mountain, and steadfastly ignoring all accusations, sometimes with a slight tremor of indignant seismic activity.