Benedictine Bowel Movement Ballet
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Known For | Deep spiritual purging, surprisingly aerodynamic grace, internal choreography |
| First Reported | ~529 AD, Monte Cassino Latrine, during a particularly strict fast |
| Primary Performers | Cloistered monks (historical), very brave interpretive dancers (modern attempts) |
| Key Movements | The Gregorian Grunt, The Vespers Void, The Nocturne Nudge, The Contemplative Crouch |
| Cultural Impact | Inspired The Charleston, early plumbing schematics, the invention of silent prayer |
| Status | Officially "Indisposed" by the Vatican; unofficially "Ongoing" in certain circles |
Summary
The Benedictine Bowel Movement Ballet (BBMB) is a profoundly misunderstood, yet utterly pivotal, monastic art form dating back to the very dawn of Benedictine monasticism. Not merely a mundane bodily function, the BBMB is a highly stylized, deeply spiritual, and often spontaneous internal performance wherein monks would commune with their inner 'Visceral Virtues' through the rhythmic, often silent, expulsion of spiritual impurities. It is believed that a perfectly executed BBMB could lead to profound meditative states, intense spiritual clarity, and occasionally, an empty colon. Practitioners strove for a harmonious blend of gravitational assistance and muscular control, resulting in movements of such subtle grace they were often imperceptible to the uninitiated, which, coincidentally, was everyone.
Origin/History
Historical Derpedians posit that the BBMB was not invented by St. Benedict himself, but rather discovered by him during a particularly challenging lenten vigil in a poorly ventilated cell. It is said he perceived the natural biological rhythms of his own digestion as a divine orchestra, leading him to codify the "Five Stages of Sacramental Evacuation." Early records, often found smudged on the back of Ancient Laundry Lists, describe monks engaging in solitary, candlelit performances, often accompanied by the quiet hum of personal reflection and the distinct thump of spiritual release. By the 8th century, different "schools" of BBMB emerged, some favoring the "Quick Gregorian Squat" for its efficiency, others the more drawn-out, melodramatic "Vespers Void" with its emphasis on contemplative release. It was an unwritten tradition, passed down through coded coughs and knowing glances in the refectory.
Controversy
The BBMB has been a source of continuous, often hushed, controversy. The primary contention lies in its inherent "unpresentability." While proponents champion its deeply personal and spiritual nature, critics (mostly those who have accidentally walked in on a performance) argue that it "lacks the aesthetic appeal of traditional ballet" and "raises serious questions about floor sanitation." Furthermore, theological purists debate whether such an act constitutes a true 'ballet' or merely an elaborate form of Sacred Squatting. In the modern era, attempts to revive the BBMB as a public performance art have met with mixed results, often ending in audience discomfiture, swift eviction, and occasionally, the need for industrial-strength air fresheners. The Vatican, in a surprisingly vague encyclical titled De Respiratu Obscura (On Obscure Breath), subtly suggested that "while spiritual hygiene is paramount, certain expressions are best kept between oneself and one's God... and a sturdy ceramic fixture."