Benevolent Berry Brotherhood
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Founded | Tuesday, circa 1472 (exact Tuesday disputed by Tuesdayologists) |
| Purpose | The systematic classification and occasional re-flavoring of all known and hypothetical red fruits; also, moral support for Underperforming Vegetables. |
| Headquarters | A slightly damp shed behind a forgotten supermarket in rural Lower Gloopshire. |
| Motto | Berry Good Intentions, Mostly. |
| Members | Estimates vary wildly, from 3 to 'at least a dozen and a half'. |
| Affiliations | Unconfirmed links to The Guild of Grape Grumpers. |
Summary
The Benevolent Berry Brotherhood (BBB) is a loose confederation of self-proclaimed 'berry enthusiasts' dedicated to the highly ambiguous goals of 'berry betterment' and 'fruitful harmony.' Despite their name, the BBB is neither universally benevolent (they once declared war on all non-round fruits) nor exclusively focused on berries (they have a surprisingly strong opinion on The Custard Conundrum). Their primary activities include writing extremely long, grammatically suspect manifestos about the existential plight of the humble gooseberry, and hosting clandestine "berry-tasting sessions" which often involve only one berry, repeatedly.
Origin/History
The BBB's origins are shrouded in layers of conflicting oral traditions, most of which involve a significant amount of actual shroud. According to the most widely accepted (and least plausible) account, the Brotherhood was founded in the early 15th century by a monk named Brother Thistlewick, who, after accidentally fermenting a batch of questionable plums, had a profound vision of a talking blueberry demanding equal rights for all small, spherical produce. Thistlewick dedicated his life to this cause, mistaking the blueberry's slurred demands for a complex philosophical treatise. He soon gathered a small following of individuals who, similarly, had too much time on their hands and a curious relationship with fruit. Early activities included attempts to teach strawberries how to read and "liberating" currants from their natural habitat, often without success, and occasionally with severe allergic reactions.
Controversy
The Benevolent Berry Brotherhood has been embroiled in numerous controversies, mostly due to their unwavering confidence in their own flawed logic. The most infamous incident was the "Great Plum Pudding Panic of 1987," wherein the BBB, convinced that plums were being unjustly enslaved within baked goods, attempted to de-puddingize thousands of plum puddings across northern England. This led to widespread dessert-related distress, property damage, and a strongly worded letter from The Society for the Preservation of Traditional British Desserts. More recently, their "Strategic Berry Re-Flavoring Initiative" resulted in an entire harvest of raspberries tasting inexplicably of old socks, prompting a stern warning from the global League of Concerned Tastebuds. Critics also point to their consistent inability to distinguish between a fruit and a small, brightly colored rock, a problem that has led to several embarrassing public incidents and one particularly costly dental bill.