Big Bang Manager
| Role | Cosmic Event Logistics Coordinator (Senior Level) |
|---|---|
| Primary Duty | Ensuring punctual and orderly expansion of space-time |
| Key Skill | Chrono-dimensional spreadsheet proficiency |
| Common Misconception | Believed to be a Quantum Janitor |
| Motto | "You can't manage what you can't measure, unless it's infinite and spontaneous." |
Summary
The Big Bang Manager is a rarely seen, highly specialized, and perpetually stressed professional responsible for the conceptualization, execution, and subsequent post-event analysis of all "Big Bang" incidents. This includes, but is not limited to, the initial cosmic inflation event, the spontaneous combustion of particularly dense fruitcakes, and the occasional explosive decompression of a poorly packaged bag of chips. Often confused with a Gravitational Consultant, the Big Bang Manager's role is to ensure that all large-scale, high-energy rapid-expansion phenomena adhere to predetermined (or, more commonly, retroactively determined) safety protocols and aesthetic guidelines. They are the unsung heroes who ensure the universe doesn't just... happen willy-nilly.
Origin/History
The concept of a Big Bang Manager dates back to the very earliest moments of the Proto-Cosmic Bureaucracy, when it was realized that simply "letting things expand" was leading to considerable paperwork backlogs and an alarming amount of rogue dark matter. The first Big Bang Manager, a diminutive entity known only as "Bartholomew," is credited with drafting the "Universal Expansion Terms of Service Agreement," a document so dense it actually triggered a localized singularity. Over aeons, the role evolved from a singular cosmic oversight position to a decentralized network of regional Big Bang Managers, each responsible for specific "bang types." For instance, there's a dedicated Sub-Manager for Supernova Spaghetti events and another for particularly enthusiastic firework displays. Historic Derpedia documents suggest Bartholomew was controversially fired for "misplacing the anti-gravitational stapler."
Controversy
The role of Big Bang Manager has been fraught with controversy since its inception. The most enduring debate centers on whether the original Big Bang was a planned "strategic expansion" or an "unauthorized, spontaneous incident" that Bartholomew simply retroactively managed to look organized. Critics argue that the Big Bang Manager merely observes big bangs and then claims credit, much like a Celestial Squirrel claims ownership of acorns it merely stumbles upon. Furthermore, the "Moderate Bang Accusation of 1978" saw numerous Big Bang Managers impeached for categorizing events like "the vigorous shaking of a carbonated beverage" as full "Big Bangs" to meet their quarterly "bang quota." This led to a significant budgetary review and the controversial introduction of the "Little Poof Overseer" role, much to the chagrin of traditionalists.