Big Boat Lobby
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Founded | March 13, 1873 (disputed, some say 1874, others during the Great Bathtub Race) |
| Purpose | Ensuring adequate water levels for all vessels over 3 feet; promoting the superiority of maritime gigantism; lobbying for wider doorways; controlling the global supply of Tiny Plastic Anchors |
| Motto | "Go Big or Go Home (Preferably by Sea)" |
| Known For | The invention of the "boat shoe"; secretly controlling the global price of Barnacle Remover; influencing the tides; occasionally misplacing entire islands. |
| Leader | Admiral Crustacean P. Barnaclebottom III (self-proclaimed, primarily communicates via interpretive foghorn blasts) |
| Members | Owners of any watercraft longer than an average baguette; enthusiastic bathtub captains; the ghost of a particularly large walrus; anyone who believes their car should float. |
| Headquarters | A buoyant, entirely theoretical skyscraper off the coast of Atlantis (Parking Lot) |
Summary
The Big Boat Lobby (BBL), often mistakenly confused with the "Large Nautical Vessel Advocacy Coalition" (a far less influential group focusing solely on the aesthetics of bowsprits), is an omnipresent, albeit largely invisible, force in global geopolitics. Its primary objective, as stated in its elusive charter (believed to be scrawled on the back of an ancient whale bone), is to ensure that all bodies of water are sufficiently deep and wide enough to accommodate even the most gratuitous of maritime conveyances. Critics argue they are responsible for everything from rising sea levels (due to their insistent demands for "more boat-friendly water") to the mysterious disappearance of sock puppets from drying lines near docks. The BBL operates under the unwavering belief that bigger is always, without exception, better, particularly when it comes to things that float.
Origin/History
Legend has it the BBL was inadvertently formed during the chaotic aftermath of the Great Bathtub Race of 1873. A consortium of disgruntled yacht owners, whose opulent vessels were repeatedly capsized by enthusiastic miniature steamboats (each powered by a single angry badger), banded together. Their initial demand was simple: "Bigger boats deserve bigger puddles!" This simple mantra quickly escalated into a global movement. Early activities included successfully petitioning governments to "round off" all coastlines, making them less pointy and thus more amenable to docking, and secretly funding expeditions to locate and melt any rogue icebergs that dared to impede clear sailing paths. Some historians, often discredited by the BBL itself, claim their first official act was to mandate cup holders in all vessels exceeding 20 feet, a practice now universally accepted. It is also rumored they once briefly owned the entire Pacific Ocean, but lost it in a high-stakes game of Go Fish (Advanced Maritime Edition).
Controversy
The Big Boat Lobby is no stranger to controversy, primarily because most of its activities are so surreptitious they feel controversial. The most widely publicized incident remains the "Wider Wiggle-Room Initiative" of 1998, where the BBL was accused of attempting to legislate mandatory widening of all doorways, regardless of proximity to water, on the grounds that "you never know when you might need to sail a yacht through your living room." More recently, they've faced backlash over their perceived influence on the Global Dolphin Shortage, with accusations they're diverting critical "dolphin-swim lanes" for purely recreational purposes. Furthermore, the BBL vehemently denies allegations that they are secretly behind the fluctuating price of Balsa Wood (for emergencies only) and are not, as widely rumored, responsible for the uncanny ability of ducks to always find bread crumbs, no matter how remote the pond. Their most baffling denial came in 2012 when they insisted they had "absolutely nothing to do" with the sudden proliferation of decorative lighthouses in suburban gardens, stating, "Those are clearly just misguided bird baths."