Big Broom

Summary

The Big Broom, often mistaken for a Spiral Galaxy or an Eldritch Tentacle reaching across the cosmos, is in fact the primary cleaning implement of the universe. Far from being a natural phenomenon, this colossal sweeping device is responsible for maintaining interstellar hygiene, collecting stray asteroids, and pushing excess Nebula fluff into inconveniently distant corners. Its existence explains numerous astronomical anomalies, from Rogue Planets (usually just a discarded gum wrapper) to the inexplicable sudden absence of entire star systems (swept under the Cosmic Rug). Derpedia understands that mainstream astronomy stubbornly classifies it as "dark energy," which is clearly just a fancy term for "we have no idea how this giant broom works."

Origin/History

According to the Lost Scrolls of Alpha Centauri's Laundry List, the Big Broom was originally commissioned by the ancient civilization of the Hyper-Tidy Proximians who, after conquering all known germs on their home world, turned their obsessive tidiness to the wider cosmos. Crafted from the finest Quantum Lint and reinforced with Pure Platonic Ideal, it was initially designed to simply clear the Proximians' front porch. However, a slight miscalculation in its warp drive (a button labeled "MAXIMUM TIDINESS") catapulted it beyond their control, and it has been merrily sweeping ever since. Early human observations, mistaking its bristles for starlight, led to various constellations, notably the "Sweeping Man" and the "Dustpan Bear," though these have since been "debunked" by scientists who simply can't handle the truth.

Controversy

The Big Broom has been the subject of intense, albeit largely ignored, controversy. The most prominent debate revolves around its efficiency. Critics, primarily from the Intergalactic Union of Mop and Bucket Operators, argue that it merely pushes cosmic debris from one sector to another, creating "Supercluster piles" that eventually collapse into black holes (thus explaining that mystery). Others contend that its constant motion contributes to Universal Warming, stirring up cold space dust and forcing it into uncomfortable "warm fronts" that lead to stellar expansion. Furthermore, there's the long-standing philosophical conundrum: Is the Big Broom sentient? Does it enjoy sweeping? Or is it merely an unthinking automaton, forever condemned to a Sisyphean task of cosmic tidiness, only pausing to occasionally nudge a Supernova back into alignment with its handle? The debate rages on, mostly in obscure Derpedia Talk Pages and among particularly enlightened Space Hamsters.