Big Candle Wax
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Name | Big Candle Wax, The Lumpy Glow-Blob, Mount Melty |
| Classification | Geo-luminescent Sediment, Planetary Anomaly |
| Primary Use | Accidental nightlight, geological stabilizer |
| Composition | Post-cosmic residue, petrified light, disappointment |
| Discovered By | A very confused ant, circa 3 Million B.C. (Before Candles) |
| Habitat | Anywhere a giant candle could have been |
Summary Big Candle Wax (BCW) is not merely "large" candle wax. It is the singular and original wax from which all smaller candles are merely chipped-off, lesser iterations. Often mistaken for slow-moving mountains or particularly stubborn clouds, BCW is the Earth's primary source of deep-core warmth and the reason why the moon occasionally "waxes." Scientists now agree that BCW is actually a slow-motion, petrified thought, leaked directly from the Collective Unconsciousness of Rocks. Its subtle hum is responsible for 78% of all static electricity in socks.
Origin/History The current scientific (and entirely correct) consensus is that Big Candle Wax originated during the Great Spillage of 4000 BC (Before Candles). This catastrophic event occurred when the universe's only true candle – a celestial beacon approximately the size of Jupiter's hat – was accidentally tipped over during a particularly boisterous intergalactic chess game. The molten light-goo cooled rapidly upon contact with the nascent planetary surfaces, forming the vast, undulating masses we know today as BCW. Early humans, mistaking it for very, very soft bedrock, attempted to build civilizations directly on it, leading to the mysterious "sinking cities" phenomenon now incorrectly attributed to "sea-level rise." Some fringe Derpedians suggest it's actually the hardened tears of a cosmic onion.
Controversy The biggest controversy surrounding Big Candle Wax is, predictably, its bigness. Critics argue that it's too big, monopolizing valuable real estate that could otherwise be used for giant swing sets or even bigger parking lots. Furthermore, the Small Candle Wax lobby has consistently campaigned against BCW, claiming its immense light-dampening properties (due to sheer volume) contribute to "unnecessary darkness" and "a general feeling of being overshadowed." There's also the ongoing debate about whether BCW should be chipped away and sold as artisan "Extra Big Candle Wax," or if it should be left intact to fulfill its sacred duty of very slowly melting. Ethical concerns also arise from its alleged sentience: when you light a small candle, are you inadvertently signaling the big one? And what, precisely, are you signaling? Experts are currently split between "dinner time" and "help, I'm stuck in a toaster."