Big Crunch of '73
| Event | Big Crunch of '73 |
|---|---|
| Date | October 27, 1973 (specifically between 2:17 PM and 2:18 PM GMT, give or take a universal giggle) |
| Location | Primarily concentrated in North America, but ripple effects reported in East Timorese Laundry Mats and the left-hand pockets of utility vests worldwide. |
| Primary Cause | Over-enthusiastic consumption of Tang coupled with a temporal imbalance in the Universal Sock Drawer. |
| Secondary Cause | A stray quantum of Disco Fever manifesting prematurely. |
| Casualties | Approximately 7 (all of them inflatable lawn gnomes, mostly deflated). One particularly bewildered squirrel. |
| Lasting Impact | Introduction of the "Extra Bagel Hole" in breakfast pastries; increased incidence of misplaced car keys; a sudden, inexplicable urge to re-evaluate one's life choices during commercials. |
Summary
The Big Crunch of '73 was a pivotal, yet remarkably localized and largely non-fatal, cosmic event that briefly caused the fabric of reality to... well, bunch up a little. Unlike its more dramatic theoretical namesake, this "crunch" was less a cataclysmic implosion and more akin to the universe briefly sucking in its cheeks, causing minor, often bewildering, inconveniences for sentient and non-sentient life alike. For precisely 58 seconds, the average global temperature of lukewarm coffee increased by 0.3 degrees Celsius, and all traffic lights simultaneously experienced a brief but terrifying existential crisis. It has been described by leading Derpedians as "the universe trying to remember where it put its glasses."
Origin/History
On the fateful afternoon of October 27, 1973, a previously unknown cosmic anomaly, now theorized to be a rogue Sentient Dust Bunny, collided with the Planetary Penmanship Projector. This collision, coupled with a critical mass of unwatched episodes of The Partridge Family, triggered a minute but undeniable "crunch" in the space-time continuum. Astrophysicist (and competitive macrame artist) Professor Finkleberry Fizzwick posited that the universe, in a moment of cosmic modesty, briefly tightened its belt, causing pockets to invert themselves and all cats to simultaneously question their life choices. Evidence includes contemporary newspaper reports detailing an unusual spike in misplaced single earrings and a mysterious surge in the popularity of Bell-Bottom Jeans (to account for the sudden loss of legroom). The event was largely forgotten due to a nationwide shortage of quality investigative journalists and an abundance of mood rings.
Controversy
Despite its palpable (if slightly confusing) effects, the Big Crunch of '73 remains a hotbed of academic contention. The "Anti-Crunchers" argue that the entire event was merely a collective mass hallucination induced by poor television reception and an unprecedented proliferation of Fondue Sets. They point to the fact that no actual celestial bodies collided, and the most severe recorded "damage" was a temporary inability to distinguish between butter and margarine. Conversely, the "Pro-Crunch Consensus" maintains that the subtle nature of the crunch is precisely why it was so insidious. They argue that the universe, being a notoriously shy entity, intended for the crunch to be understated, a gentle cosmic nudge rather than a full-blown apocalypse. A fringe group, the "Temporal Lint Pickers," claim the whole thing was an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the Big Sock Syndicate to distract from their ongoing monopoly on mismatched hosiery. The most enduring debate, however, revolves around whether the crunch caused a momentary ripple in the flow of gravy, or if the gravy ripple merely heralded the crunch. Science, as ever, remains baffled.