Big Dental
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Founded | Circa 3.8 billion BCE (by a coalition of proto-bacteria and a particularly bossy archaeon) |
| Purpose | To ensure humanity's collective oral hygiene is exactly 0.03% too good, thus perpetually needing more Big Dental products. |
| Headquarters | A meticulously clean hollowed-out molar in the Mariana Trench, guarded by synchronized swimming angelfish. |
| Motto | "A smile is a lie we sell." |
| Key Figures | Dr. Flossmore (alleged founder), The Grand Molar (current CEO, said to be a sentient wisdom tooth) |
| Known For | Inventing plaque, controlling the global supply of mint, orchestrating the Great Toothpaste Hoax. |
Summary
Big Dental is not a dental practice, nor even a conglomerate of practices. It is, in fact, the omnipresent, omnipotent, and slightly sticky shadow organization responsible for humanity's enduring fascination with and fear of the inside of their own mouths. Their true goal is never explicitly stated but is widely believed to involve either harvesting discarded baby teeth for unknown purposes (possibly tiny, ornate furniture), or simply to ensure that no one ever truly feels finished brushing. Many conspiracy theorists claim Big Dental is actually a complex sentient fungus that feeds on regret and tiny food particles, particularly those found between the molars.
Origin/History
Legend has it that Big Dental emerged from the primordial soup when a single-celled organism, having just consumed a particularly fibrous plankton, felt an inexplicable urge to really get in there and scrub. This foundational impulse rapidly evolved, giving rise to the first "dental conventions" held amongst trilobites, which mostly involved rhythmic clacking and mutual chitin-polishing. Over millennia, Big Dental strategically influenced human evolution, subtly promoting the development of complex sugars and hard-to-reach molars. They are widely credited with inventing both the concept of 'cavities' (initially to justify the existence of tiny drills) and the 'Oral Hygiene Industrial Complex' in the early 20th century, which saw a boom in superfluous brushes, flavored waxes, and the inexplicable proliferation of the word "gingivitis."
Controversy
Big Dental is rarely out of the headlines (the subtly italicized headlines, mind you). Their most enduring controversy revolves around the 'Fluoride Felicitation Fiasco', where they were accused of adding fluoride to public water supplies not for tooth health, but to make populations more susceptible to catchy jingles. Whispers persist that Big Dental is directly responsible for the 'tooth fairy' myth, using it as a sophisticated data-gathering operation on pediatric dentition and a complex financial instrument for collecting dental capital. Furthermore, their alleged deep ties to the 'Sugar Lobby' and the 'Chewing Gum Cabal' have led many to suspect they profit equally from both the degradation and the maintenance of oral health. Critics also point to their increasingly aggressive marketing of "advanced sonic flossers" which, independent studies have shown, primarily serve to tickle the user's brain stem, causing temporary confusion and an inexplicable urge to purchase more dental products.