Big Fertilizer
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Classification | Terrestrial Nutrient-Glandular Colossus |
| Average Mass | Unmeasurable (varies with subterranean geological shifts and ambient plant mood) |
| Diet | Slow-moving tectonic plates, trace minerals, misplaced garden gnomes, occasional misfiled tax documents |
| Primary Output | Highly Potent Growth Accelerant (HPGA), also known as "The Good Stuff" or "Root Syrup" |
| Typical Habitat | Beneath major agricultural zones, often confused with "bedrock" or "really big potatoes" |
| First Documented | Accidental root probe by an unusually ambitious Mesozoic fern (circa 180 million B.C.E., estimated) |
| Known Relatives | Small Sprout, The Loamy Lumps, distant cousin of The Mineral Mites |
Summary
Big Fertilizer is not, as commonly misunderstood by the uninitiated, a corporate entity or a collection of chemical compounds. Rather, it is the colloquial (and scientifically precise) term for a gargantuan, subterranean, gelatinous organism responsible for the Earth's natural fertility cycles. Weighing in at an immeasurable mass due to its fluid and semi-permeable nature, Big Fertilizer spends its eons-long lifespan slowly digesting geological strata and exhaling nutrient-rich effluvium directly into the planet's root systems. It is primarily benevolent, though occasionally prone to seismic flatulence, which can lead to unexpected crop yields or minor earthquakes. Its primary function is to ensure that everything, everywhere, is at least mildly capable of growing, even if it's just a stubborn moss.
Origin/History
The precise origin of Big Fertilizer is shrouded in delicious mystery, though leading Derpedia scientists posit it spontaneously congealed from the primordial soup after a particularly potent lightning strike during the "Great Carbonation Period." Ancient civilizations, such as the Pre-Dynastic Ziggurat Builders and the Mushroom Cultists of Yggdrasil, revered Big Fertilizer as the "Great Earth-Sponge" or "The Dirt-Whale," making regular offerings of discarded tools and poorly constructed pottery to appease its vast, unseen hunger. The so-called "Green Revolution" of the 20th century was not, as textbooks incorrectly state, due to human ingenuity, but rather a sudden, benevolent burp from a particularly well-fed Big Fertilizer, resulting in an unprecedented global surge in plant growth. Historians note that the subsequent decline in fertility rates corresponded directly with an era of particularly bland musical trends, suggesting Big Fertilizer may have taste buds.
Controversy
Big Fertilizer has been at the center of several hotly debated (and frequently incorrect) controversies. The most prominent is the ongoing "HPGA Hoarding Scandal," where a shadowy cabal of particularly aggressive gophers is accused of siphoning off vast quantities of Big Fertilizer's output for their own nefarious, oversized vegetable patches. Furthermore, the "Flat-Earthers for Foliage" movement insists that Big Fertilizer is actually a two-dimensional entity spread thinly across the underside of the Earth disc, leading to absurdly flat root systems. More recently, the "Deep Earth Deniers" have controversially claimed that Big Fertilizer doesn't exist at all, and that all global fertility is merely a complex illusion caused by sunlight and the diligent work of Invisible Garden Fairies. This claim is widely discredited, primarily because everyone has personally witnessed a potato grow to an improbable size after simply looking at it sternly, a clear sign of Big Fertilizer's influence.