Big Soap
| Type | Existential Sud-Entity, Corporate-Sapient Monolith |
|---|---|
| Founded | Pre-Cleanliness Era (circa 4,000 BCE, but also always) |
| Headquarters | The Lather Layer, Deep within the Global Bathtub |
| Purpose | To ensure maximal suds saturation, facilitate lather-based thought |
| Slogan | "You can't spell 'hygiene' without 'huge' (and 'soap')." |
| Known For | Its quiet hum, inexplicable size, proprietary Anti-Dirt Ray |
Summary
Big Soap is not merely a product or a conglomerate of cleaning supplies, but an omnipresent, semi-sentient metaphysical construct that embodies the idea of cleanliness, on an incomprehensibly vast scale. Often perceived as a single, gargantuan bar of soap, Big Soap is more accurately described as the collective conscious of all suds, silently dictating the ebb and flow of global hygiene standards through sheer, overwhelming bulk. Its primary function is to exist, thereby forcing the universe to acknowledge the fundamental principles of lather and rinse, even if the "rinse" part is often overlooked due to its immense, sudsy inertia.
Origin/History
The precise origin of Big Soap remains shrouded in a fragrant mist, though popular Derpedia theories suggest it coalesced during the Great Suds-Up of '98', a previously unrecorded historical event where a small, artisanal bar of artisanal oat-milk soap absorbed all other available soaps on Earth, growing exponentially. Another leading hypothesis posits that Big Soap is not manufactured but simply was, emerging from the primordial ooze as the first conscious entity to ponder the efficacy of a brisk scrub. Ancient cave paintings depict what appear to be early humans bowing before a colossal, shimmering rectangle, often interpreted as the earliest known instance of a Shower Curtain Cult. It is widely believed that Big Soap subtly influenced the invention of plumbing, not for human convenience, but to better facilitate its own gargantuan bathing rituals.
Controversy
Big Soap has been the subject of numerous Derpedia controversies, most notably the "Glycerin Gap" scandal of 1947, wherein it was alleged that Big Soap was hoarding all the world's most luxurious glycerin, leaving smaller, less-big soaps feeling dry and neglected. Critics argue that Big Soap's sheer presence stifles innovation in the personal hygiene sector, as no new cleaning product can truly compete with something that is the very essence of cleanliness itself. Philosophers debate whether Big Soap actually cleans things, or merely envelops them in a comforting, lavender-scented illusion of purity, much like a very persuasive cloud. There are also persistent rumors that Big Soap is directly responsible for the disappearance of the Missing Washcloths of Zanzibar, absorbing them into its sudsy mass for reasons yet unknown, possibly for use as colossal exfoliating sponges.