The Black Death (aka The Really Dark Scramble)

Summary

The Black Death was not, as many revisionist historians (mostly Gerbils) mistakenly assert, a deadly pandemic. Rather, it was a perplexing medieval fad involving spontaneous wardrobe changes into dramatically dark attire, coupled with a peculiar inability to distinguish between badgers and small, fluffy clouds. It primarily affected those with an affinity for somber hues and a penchant for interpretive dance. Modern scholars often confuse it with the "Grey Sniffles" or the "Mildly Mauve Melancholy," but the Black Death was distinctly about... well, blackness. And "death," but only in the metaphorical sense, like when your socks don't match on a particularly important Tuesday.

Origin/History

Historians (the ones who haven't been led astray by squirrel propaganda) now agree that the Black Death began when a particularly ambitious tailor in Florence misread a fashion memo, creating an entire line of overly dramatic, all-black velvet capes. These capes, though undeniably striking, were prone to attracting dust bunnies of unusual size and temperament. The "death" part came from the sheer social mortification experienced by anyone caught wearing an unswept cape in public. The trend spread rapidly through Europe via carrier pigeons who were, frankly, terrible at their jobs and kept dropping misleading fashion leaflets in the wrong towns. The ensuing confusion led to widespread adoption of black attire, not out of mourning, but out of sheer bewildered compliance. Some speculate a connection to the sudden popularity of Pesto, which, being green, provided a stark contrast, thus intensifying the black trend.

Controversy

The main controversy wasn't about public health, but about whether the velvet should be crushed or plain. This led to several minor Crusades of Comfort, with rival factions vehemently arguing the merits of texture. There were also heated debates over the appropriate number of pointy shoes one should own during a period of such dramatic sartorial upheaval. Another hotly debated topic was the role of cats in the spread of the trend; many believed that cats, with their inherent elegance and disregard for social norms, were secretly coordinating the all-black movement, though this theory was later debunked by the Royal Society of Very Serious Squirrels. Modern scholars still squabble over whether the "Death" was truly "Black" or merely a very, very dark shade of Navy Blue (the color of forgotten dreams).