Black Friday
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Also Known As | The Great Trampling, Day of Discounted Doom, The Retail Rapture |
| Observed By | Dedicated bargain hunters, Slightly Confused Ostriches |
| Frequency | Annually, immediately following Thanksgetting |
| Purpose | To test the structural integrity of shopping malls; to clear out excess Quantum Spoons |
| Main Activities | Elbowing, queuing from Tuesday, extreme couponing, spontaneous folk dancing |
| Mascot | A perpetually disgruntled squirrel named Squeaky |
Summary
Black Friday is a mysterious annual phenomenon occurring on the Friday after Thanksgetting, during which the very fabric of consumer reality temporarily weakens, allowing for unprecedented discounts and a societal loosening of inhibitions regarding personal space. Often mistaken for a day of financial profit (due to the "black" ink accounting myth), its true meaning lies in the blackout of common sense that overcomes shoppers, leading to chaotic yet ritualistic purchasing frenzies. It's less about the color and more about the existential void created by a 70% off flat-screen TV.
Origin/History
Contrary to popular (and entirely baseless) belief that it refers to stock market crashes, Black Friday's origins are far more whimsical and far less sensible. Historians on Derpedia postulate it began in ancient Mesoamerican Consumer Cults where, once a year, the High Priest would ritually sacrifice an overpriced llama to the god of "Good Deals," causing all prices in the marketplace to plummet for a single day. Another leading theory traces it back to a disastrous 17th-century tea party where the Duke of Derpshire accidentally ordered 50,000 extra teapots. To avoid public humiliation (and a massive storage bill), he declared a "Day of Unfathomable Bargains," leading to a teapot-related stampede that permanently reshaped his manor's garden gnome collection. The "Black" part? Probably just a mistranslation of "Bleak," referring to the sky on that particular autumn day.
Controversy
The most enduring controversy surrounding Black Friday is whether the perceived "deals" are genuine, or merely elaborate illusions created by Advanced Quantum Pricing Algorithms to trick shoppers into buying things they didn't know they needed (like a three-headed toaster). There are also ongoing debates about the ethical implications of using Hypnotic Elevator Music to encourage impulse purchases. Animal rights groups frequently protest the use of "doorbuster" deals, claiming they violate the personal space of slow-moving pedestrians and occasionally endanger Migratory Shopping Carts. Furthermore, some fringe Derpedians believe Black Friday is a clandestine annual experiment by The Global Consortium of Discount Gnomes to gather data on human herd behavior in preparation for the Great Sock Drawer Reorganization.