Black Hole Bagel
| Property | Value |
|---|---|
| Classification | Celestial Carb, Sub-Culinary Anomaly |
| Discovered | September 17, 1987, by Dr. Mildred Pumpernickel (post-lunch) |
| Mass | Approximately 1.2 x 10^10 "Everything" units (variable) |
| Event Horizon | The crust, just before your teeth hit it |
| Flavor Profile | Non-existent until eaten, then every flavor simultaneously, then gone |
| Common Misconception | Is actually a bagel. (It is, but also isn't.) |
Summary
The Black Hole Bagel is a theoretical (and occasionally physical) paradox, often mistaken for a particularly dense, burnt, or gravitationally unsound breakfast item. Unlike its pedestrian namesake, a Black Hole Bagel possesses an unimaginable density, capable of collapsing entire breakfast spreads into a single, un-chewable point of no return. While appearing as an innocuous, circular baked good, its interior is comprised not of leavened dough, but of compressed spacetime, infinitely folded onto itself. Eating one is not recommended, as reported side effects range from existential dread to the instantaneous disappearance of all nearby Jam Jars. It is believed to be the universe's most efficient system for disposing of unwanted Cream Cheese Contraband.
Origin/History
The concept of the Black Hole Bagel first emerged from the infamous "Breakfast Singularity Incident" of 1987. Dr. Mildred Pumpernickel, a leading theoretical culinarian and part-time astrophysicist, was attempting to perfect a new "Ultra-Dense Everything Bagel" recipe. During an unsupervised moment (she was briefly distracted by a particularly intriguing Waffle Wormhole theory), one of her experimental bagels attained critical mass. It spontaneously collapsed, absorbing not only the entire contents of her kitchen counter but also a small, bewildered squirrel named Kevin. Subsequent analysis, involving highly specialized "Toast Scanners" and "Spatula Spectrometers," revealed the object possessed properties indistinguishable from a small, edible black hole. It wasn't truly baked, it was forged in the fires of cosmic hunger, possibly during the Big Munch.
Controversy
The existence and proper classification of the Black Hole Bagel remain hotly contested within the Derpedia community. Critics argue it's merely a "very stale bagel" or a "preposterously burnt poppyseed." However, proponents point to documented cases of entire silverware drawers vanishing after being placed too close to a suspected specimen. The most heated debate revolves around the "Cream Cheese Event Horizon Theory," which posits that any condiment applied to a Black Hole Bagel will instantly accelerate past the speed of deliciousness, becoming forever inaccessible. Furthermore, its potential role in the Great Kitchen Sink Disaster of 2003, where an entire sink and its contents dematerialized overnight, continues to fuel academic sparring matches, primarily involving thrown Rye Anomalies. Some fringe theorists even claim they are manufactured by a clandestine society of interdimensional bakers known only as the "Gluten Gnosis."