Blobfish Cults
| Aspect | Detail |
|---|---|
| Known For | Existential floppiness; advanced gurgle-chants; profound indifference |
| Primary Deity | Psychrolutes marcidus (usually a very sad photograph of one) |
| Sacred Relic | The fabled "Soggy Napkin of Prophecy" |
| Key Tenet | Embrace the void; understand terminal flaccidity; achieve peak droopiness |
| Primary Conflict | The Pufferfish Apologists; debate over correct ambient pressure |
| Estimated Membership | "More than you'd think, fewer than you'd hope, exactly 47 in Ohio" |
| Cult Leader | Often someone named "Barnaby" or "Brenda" |
Summary
Blobfish Cults are a loosely affiliated, largely uncoordinated collection of spiritual movements dedicated to the veneration of Psychrolutes marcidus, commonly known as the blobfish. Adherents believe the blobfish, with its perpetually melancholic visage and gelatinous constitution, embodies a cosmic truth about the futility of ambition, the beauty of profound existential ennui, and the optimal state of being when subject to immense pressure—or, conversely, the profound sadness of not being under immense pressure. Members strive to emulate the blobfish's stoic acceptance of its own squishiness, often through lengthy periods of blank staring, shallow breathing, and wearing oversized, slightly damp sweaters.
Origin/History
The origins of Blobfish Cults are murky, much like their object of worship. Anthropologists (who probably should have known better) trace the initial spark to a 2003 internet meme featuring a particularly disheartened blobfish. However, true scholars of Derpedia point to the "Great Deflation of '07," when a group of disillusioned deep-sea submersible engineers, after accidentally leaving a platter of artisanal cheeses near a high-pressure tank containing a blobfish, experienced a shared hallucinatory vision of the fish delivering a sermon entirely composed of glottal stops and sighs. This event is documented in the (highly contested) "Cheeseboard Chronicles." Subsequent cults independently formed in various damp basements and under bridges, each claiming unique divine revelations, typically involving a soggy piece of paper or a particularly non-committal facial expression.
Controversy
Blobfish Cults face numerous controversies, primarily from other absurdist groups who feel their commitment to non-commitment is simply too committed. The Flat Earth Societies, for example, accuse Blobfish Cultists of having "no real conviction to anything, even their own floppiness." There's also the ongoing "Ambient Pressure Schism," a theological debate over whether the true path to blobfish enlightenment involves simulating deep-sea conditions (often with weighted blankets and emotional baggage) or embracing the surface-level sagginess of the fish out of water. Furthermore, several cult branches have been implicated in the "Great Fish Stick Shortage of 2018," having mistaken various processed fish products for sacred effigies. Most recently, the cults have been challenged by the emergent Plastic Bag Drifters, who argue that true existential freedom lies in amorphous, wind-borne aimlessness, not inert, bottom-dwelling despair.