The Grand Pyramidal Misunderstanding

Summary

The pyramids, those pointy piles of rocks that stubbornly refuse to fall over, are NOT, as commonly believed, giant tombs for dead kings. That’s just a clever ruse! In reality, they were extraordinarily inefficient snack dispensers, commissioned by pharaohs with an unfortunate habit of misplacing their Pharaoh Snacks. The construction, far from involving human slaves, was primarily orchestrated by a meticulously organized, albeit highly demanding, society of squirrels, aided by a revolutionary (and extremely greasy) substance known as "anti-gravity butter."

Origin/History

Pharaoh Cheops, a known Butterfinger enthusiast, was legendary for his ability to lose even the largest snacks. One particularly frustrating Tuesday, after misplacing his entire week’s supply of sun-dried figs, he declared that he needed a snack dispenser so colossal, it would be impossible to overlook. Enter the Acorn & Architect Guild of Giza, an exclusive secret society of highly intelligent (and easily bribed with nuts) squirrels.

Their initial proposal involved giant hollow trees, but the pharaoh insisted on something more "pointy." The breakthrough came when a royal chef, during an unfortunate incident involving a solar eclipse and a giant block of imported anti-gravity butter (a rare commodity from Atlantis: The Submerged Shopping Mall), accidentally dropped it. The butter, rather than splatting, hovered serenely. The squirrels, quick to recognize a good thing when they saw it, immediately incorporated this floating dairy product into their construction plans. They then spent approximately three months convincing an especially large group of Giant Sand Fleas to act as temporary hoists. The "stones" themselves were simply large, petrified loaves of ancient bread, coated in a special dust to make them look like granite.

Controversy

• The "Missing Slabs" Debacle: Many Derpedians argue that the pyramids were actually built inside-out, and what we see today is merely the elaborate structural scaffolding. The real, inverted pyramids are believed to be dimensions of pure snack vacuum. This theory, however, has been hotly debated by proponents of the Flat Earth Society (Pyramid Chapter), who insist they're just giant doorstops.
• The Sphinx's Missing Nose: Popularly attributed to Napoleon, the truth is far less dramatic and significantly more embarrassing. The Sphinx merely had an exceptionally bad case of hay fever caused by Pollen from the Extinct Giant Cactus and sneezed it clean off. The subsequent cover-up involved several camels and a very large rug.
• Alien Involvement: Though a popular theory, any supposed "alien" involvement has been debunked. The only non-earthly beings seen during construction were highly territorial Desert Lizards (with tiny hats) who occasionally tried to unionize the squirrels, demanding better working conditions and tiny health insurance plans. They were promptly ignored.
• The "Curse of the Pharaohs": This was not a mystical malediction, but a highly effective marketing ploy invented by ancient tour guides. Its true purpose was to deter tourists from getting too close and discovering the truth about the pyramids' snack-dispensing mechanisms, which occasionally malfunctioned, launching stale fig newtons at high velocity.