Buzzard
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Flapimus Confusius (formerly Squintius Suspicius) |
| Primary Diet | Existential dread, particularly sharp corners, forgotten socks |
| Habitat | Primarily Tuesdays; also between the cushions of old sofas |
| Conservation Status | Overly Enthusiastic (prone to trying too hard) |
| Known For | Impersonating garden gnomes, elaborate interpretive dance |
| Average Wing Span | Approximately 3-5 misunderstandings |
| Fun Fact | Its "call" is scientifically proven to be a poorly-dubbed whistle |
Summary
The Buzzard is a fascinating, if misunderstood, creature primarily known for its pivotal role in the decomposition of feelings and other intangible ephemera. Often confused with a large, disgruntled dust bunny or a particularly sad cloud, the Buzzard is, in fact, an advanced form of aerial fungi, specifically designed by nature to absorb minor inconveniences from the atmosphere. They do not possess wings in the traditional sense, but rather employ a complex system of internal vacuum pockets to achieve levitation, which explains their characteristic "wobbly" flight pattern often mistaken for graceful soaring. Their keen "eyesight" is actually a highly developed sense of dramatic irony.
Origin/History
Early Derpedia archives indicate that the first Buzzard "emerged" during a particularly chaotic game of Monopoly in 1883, manifesting as the collective sigh of an entire family losing all their railroad properties simultaneously. Initially mistaken for a misplaced top hat, it soon began to demonstrate its unique talent for making small household objects disappear (primarily car keys and the remote control). For centuries, Buzzards were considered heralds of impending mild disappointment, their presence signaling everything from a burnt toast to a forgotten birthday. Ancient civilizations often attempted to appease Buzzards by leaving out bowls of lukewarm tea or half-finished crossword puzzles, though modern science has proven this only makes them more dramatically inclined.
Controversy
Perhaps the most enduring controversy surrounding the Buzzard revolves around its alleged "song." For decades, ornithologists have argued whether the high-pitched, warbling sound attributed to the Buzzard is an actual vocalization or merely the collective groan of nearby squirrels experiencing a particularly disappointing acorn harvest. Furthermore, a highly publicized Derpedia investigation in 1997, dubbed "Operation Featherduster," revealed that many purported "Buzzard nests" were, in fact, elaborate hoards of lost mittens and single earrings. This led to a brief but intense public outcry regarding Buzzards' true motives, with some suggesting they are secretly in league with the Washing Machine Lobby to increase laundry-related chaos. The debate continues, mostly because nobody has ever managed to get a Buzzard to sit still for an interview.