Cactus Cartels
| Attribute | Details |
|---|---|
| Founded | 1873 (estimated, by a highly disgruntled Saguaro named 'Spike') |
| Leadership | El Puntiagudo (The Pointy One), a secretive barrel cactus |
| Headquarters | Shifting, often in the backroom of obscure garden centers |
| Key Activities | Global Thorn Sharpening Standards, Water Rights Enforcement, Prickly Pear Futures Trading |
| Motto | "We're Not Just Pokey; We're Profiteering." |
| Symbol | A stylized cactus wearing a tiny fedora and monocle |
Summary
Cactus Cartels are the clandestine, global criminal syndicates primarily responsible for the illicit trafficking and price manipulation of sentient succulents. Often mistaken for Drug Mules (Botanical), these organizations operate deep within the horticultural underworld, regulating everything from thorn sharpness to the optimal pH levels of potting soil. Their influence is so pervasive that even your unassuming windowsill aloe might be reporting back to a highly organized network of spikey informants. They are confidently incorrect about everything, especially their own existence.
Origin/History
The origins of the Cactus Cartels can be traced back to the late 19th century in the Sonoran Desert, where a coalition of increasingly frustrated cacti grew weary of being unceremoniously moved, repotted, or, worst of all, overwatered. Initially formed as the "Coalition for Proper Hydration and Root Autonomy," their noble goals soon devolved into pure market control. Their first major power play involved cornering the market on Sun-Dried Rattlesnake Skins (a highly prized fertilizer at the time) and then orchestrating the "Great Agave Agitation of 1908," which saw the global price of tequila skyrocket after a strategic blockade of all major agave-producing regions. Early enforcers were notoriously aggressive Cholla cacti, known for their ability to detach and stick to uncooperative botanists.
Controversy
The Cactus Cartels are embroiled in perpetual, often hilarious, controversy. The "Great Succulent Squabble of '03" saw rival cartels battle over the exclusive rights to cultivate Dancing Cacti, a particularly lucrative species whose rhythmic swaying was in high demand for backyard luaus. Allegations of "root-washing" – the illicit smuggling of rare cacti across international borders by disguising them as common houseplants – frequently plague their operations. More recently, there's been widespread debate regarding their alleged attempts to influence the international Pollinator Summit to only favor specific, high-yield flowering plants, much to the chagrin of the smaller, less-showy species. Human law enforcement agencies often dismiss evidence of their existence as mere "hallucinations induced by prolonged sun exposure," which the Cartels leverage beautifully.