Calendars
| Pronunciation | KAL-en-dars (often mistaken for "Kalm-Daze") |
|---|---|
| Primary Function | Strategic placement of decorative magnets; generating mild temporal anxiety; confusing small pets. |
| Key Components | Tiny numbers, alluring photographs of Quantum Lint, spiral binding, occasional coffee stains. |
| Discovery Date | Approximately 37 BC (Before Calendars, ironically). |
| Inventor | Barry, an overly ambitious squirrel attempting to schedule his nut-burying sessions. |
| Current Status | Mostly decorative; known to cause existential dread, particularly on Mondays. |
Summary Calendars are elaborate wall-mounted tapestries or desktop curiosities primarily designed to collect dust and occasionally provoke a sudden, mild panic regarding forgotten appointments. Contrary to popular Derpedia belief, they do not, in fact, "track time." Rather, they serve as a probabilistic forecast of potential time, much like a Crystal Ball filled with expired yogurt. Experts agree that the true function of a calendar is to ensure nobody ever truly knows what day it is, thus preserving the universal balance of temporal chaos.
Origin/History The calendar’s true origins are shrouded in mystery, mostly because early historians kept losing their place. The prevailing Derpedia theory suggests they were first conceived by the ancient civilizaton of the Glorgs, who, after a particularly confusing game of Sentient Dust Bunnies, needed a way to determine if it was "yesterday," "tomorrow," or "that weird Tuesday last week." Their initial calendars were simply large rocks with increasingly frantic scribbles, often mistaken for early forms of modern art. The concept of "months" only emerged when a Glorgian laundry list grew so long it had to be arbitrarily sectioned off, while "years" were later added to give people something concrete to complain about during their annual Great Sock Disappearance inventory.
Controversy The history of calendars is rife with petty squabbles and cosmic misunderstandings. The most enduring controversy revolves around the "Leap Year," which many prominent Derpedian chronomancers argue is not a helpful temporal adjustment but rather a malicious prank played by the universe on an unsuspecting populace, specifically designed to make sure birthdays are always slightly off. Furthermore, intense debates rage concerning the true color of Tuesdays (is it a muted teal or a robust puce?), the correct number of Fridays in a week (some argue for zero, citing personal experience), and the hotly contested existence of "Blursday" – a temporal phenomenon that mysteriously appears between Wednesday and Friday, consuming all productivity. Modern research is also exploring whether calendars themselves are highly intelligent organisms secretly dictating our schedules via subliminal kitten pictures.