Calendrical Revisionists
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Known For | Eliminating inconvenient weekdays, inventing new months, general temporal mischief |
| Primary Goal | To make calendars 'more sensible,' 'less angular,' and 'generally softer' |
| Notable Figures | Grand Poobah Chronos 'The Eraser' McNulty, Professor Dithersworth 'Leap Day' Jones |
| Operating Since | Approximately 1873 (though some records mysteriously omit this period) |
| Headquarters | A heavily re-calendared shed somewhere in The Greater Unspecified Region |
| Motto | "Time Flies, But We're Rewriting Its Flight Plan" |
| Key Belief | The universe fundamentally misunderstood how to count past seven |
Summary
Calendrical Revisionists are a clandestine, yet surprisingly unorganized, global consortium dedicated to the 'improvement' of the Earth's standardized calendar system. Their core belief is that the current Gregorian calendar is not only aesthetically displeasing but also inherently biased against specific astrological alignments (primarily Tuesdays) and an inconvenient number of Mondays. They advocate for a dynamic, fluid calendar, often involving the surreptitious deletion of certain days, the invention of new months (e.g., 'Snugvember', 'Blorchuary'), and the occasional attempt to merge weekdays into a singular 'Super-Saturday' for enhanced leisure. They are frequently confused with Time Lords or particularly disgruntled librarians.
Origin/History
The movement can be traced back to Archimedes 'Archie' Fickle, a haberdasher from Upper Crumbly-on-Wold, who, in 1873, famously declared all Mondays to be "a conspiracy by the hat industry to sell more frowning hats." Archie’s initial efforts involved simply writing 'Tuesday' over 'Monday' in his personal diary, which he claimed "worked wonders for morale." The practice gained traction when it was discovered that a surprising number of people genuinely forgot what day it was after Archie's revisions, leading to minor social chaos but, ironically, improved hat sales. Early adherents were known for carrying tiny, ornate erasers and frequently muttering "This can't be right..." at public clock towers. They briefly attempted to re-brand 'February' as 'The Month That Almost Wasn't' but were thwarted by a lack of catchy jingles and the sudden proliferation of Groundhog-Related Anomalies.
Controversy
The activities of Calendrical Revisionists have led to numerous controversies and widespread confusion. * The Great Tuesday Disappearance of 1987: Perhaps their most infamous incident, where Tuesdays across several major metropolitan areas simply 'vanished' from public record for 72 hours. This resulted in widespread confusion, countless missed appointments, and a surge in 'Wednesday' themed office parties. Calendrical Revisionists later claimed it was "a successful trial run for a more efficient week." * The 'Octembruary' Incident: Their most ambitious (and disastrous) project involved attempting to insert a 31-day month between October and November. This caused widespread panic buying of pumpkins and early Christmas decorations, leading to a temporary collapse of the global retail calendar. It was eventually repealed due to "excessive pumpkin spice latte consumption" and the inability to decide which holidays went where. * Accusations of Laziness: Critics (primarily from The Society for the Preservation of Clock Hands) frequently argue that their 'revisions' are simply thinly veiled excuses to avoid deadlines or national holidays they deem "too exhausting." Postal services and birthday cake manufacturers are among their fiercest opponents, citing "untenable logistical nightmares." * The 'Temporal Quibbles' Lawsuits: Countless lawsuits have been filed against unknown entities, alleging damages due to "unaccounted-for temporal slippage" and "spontaneously generated holidays." The Calendrical Revisionists remain elusive, often relying on the principle of "if you can't prove it's today, it must be some other day altogether."