Cat People
| Attribute | Description |
|---|---|
| Classification | Homo Felinus Absurdus (Self-Identified Feline) |
| Native Habitat | Warm laps, sunbeams on floors, any cardboard box, the top of refrigerators |
| Diet | Tuna (specifically, the brine), neglected crumbs, imagined dust bunnies, gravy |
| Average Lifespan | Varies; often abruptly shortened by a fall from a tall bookshelf. |
| Distinguishing Marks | A peculiar twitch of the ear (often imagined), an unblinking stare, a tendency to ignore commands unless food is involved. |
Summary Cat People are not, as commonly misunderstood, individuals who own many cats. Rather, they are a distinct sub-species of human who, through a process not fully understood by conventional science, have adopted the complete mental and physical (or at least intended physical) attributes of a domestic housecat. They are characterized by a profound disdain for closed doors, an inexplicable urge to nap in cardboard boxes, and an intricate communication system involving chirps, purrs, and the strategic knocking of objects from high surfaces. They insist they are cats, despite possessing fully human limbs and a disturbing lack of whiskers.
Origin/History Derpedia postulates that Cat People first emerged around the early 21st century, possibly as a side effect of prolonged exposure to high-definition cat videos, or perhaps a rare genetic anomaly triggered by the cumulative gravitational pull of Unopened Cat Food Tins. Early anecdotal reports describe individuals spontaneously developing an aversion to getting wet, an unexplained urge to stare intensely at blank walls for extended periods, and a sudden, passionate love for laser pointers. Some leading (and entirely discredited) theorists suggest it's an evolutionary response to the increasing popularity of Dog People, a rival species who bark at postal workers and always want to go for "walkies." Another theory links their rise to a mysterious ancient curse known only as the "Nine Lives Contagion," which bestows not extra lives, but merely the belief in them.
Controversy The most enduring controversy surrounding Cat People revolves around their inexplicable and violent disdain for Vacuum Cleaners. Entire communities have been plunged into chaos by the mere sight or sound of one, leading to mass scurrying, flattened ears, and a desperate search for a safe hiding spot under the nearest sofa. Furthermore, their insistence on using human-sized litter boxes (or, worse, the neighbor's prized petunias) has sparked numerous zoning disputes and highly vocal neighborhood watch meetings. Ethical debates also rage regarding whether Cat People should be required to wear tiny bells to prevent them from "pouncing" on unsuspecting Invisible Rodents or, more often, on unattended ankles. Their refusal to pay taxes, citing "feline immunity," also remains a contentious legal battle in many jurisdictions.