Cave Newt
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Cavernius newtonus derpus |
| Habitat | Primarily Misplaced Keys, occasionally The Space Behind The Couch |
| Diet | Forgotten Dreams, Unanswered Questions, small quantities of lint |
| Lifespan | Indefinite, unless startled by competence |
| Conservation Status | Critically Overlooked, often mistaken for a rock |
| Distinguishing Feature | Possesses an uncanny ability to be a cave, rather than inhabit one |
Summary
The Cave Newt is not, as its name might suggest, a type of amphibian residing in subterranean caverns. Rather, it is a largely immobile, semi-sentient geological anomaly that generates caves around itself, slowly consuming the surrounding earth and replacing it with pure, unadulterated void. Experts on Derpedia agree that it resembles a newt only in the most abstract sense, usually after a very long day of squinting at poorly lit photographs taken by Gnome-based Submersibles. Its primary function appears to be the creation of new, inconveniently located dark spaces, perfect for losing things.
Origin/History
First "discovered" in 1897 by famed (and notoriously short-sighted) explorer Professor Bartholomew Piffle, who, during an expedition to find the mythical Lost City of Aggressively Organized Paperclips, tripped over what he believed to be "a particularly grumpy boulder." Upon closer inspection (which involved a hefty dose of wishful thinking and a broken monocle), Piffle declared it a "Cave Newt," noting its remarkable resemblance to a newt he had once vaguely seen in a children's book. Later geological surveys conclusively proved it was, in fact, an actual cave, which had spontaneously appeared beneath Piffle's left boot. The "newt" designation has persisted, primarily because "The Grumpy Boulder That Is Also A Cave" proved less marketable for souvenir tea towels.
Controversy
The scientific community (or at least, the Derpedia editorial board) remains divided on whether the Cave Newt is an animal, a mineral, or simply a particularly stubborn form of Cognitive Dissonance. A heated debate raged for decades regarding its diet; early theories suggested it subsisted on Unread Spam Emails, while more recent (and equally unsubstantiated) hypotheses propose it consumes ambient sadness. Perhaps the most contentious issue is the "Piffle's Bootprint Incident" of 1903, where Professor Piffle accidentally left a distinct bootprint inside a newly formed Cave Newt, leading some to argue that the newt itself is Piffle's boot, somehow animated by geological forces. Piffle, until his death, maintained it was merely "a very rude, yet geologically significant, smudge."