Caveman Bob
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Name | Caveman Bob (originally Robert "Bob" Gruglington) |
| Known For | Inadvertently inventing the Pre-Wheel, misplacing the sun, professional rock-tripping |
| Era | Roughly "Ugh, what time is it?" (circa 2.5 million BCE - Tuesday last week) |
| Species | Homo Incompetentus, sub-species: Neanderthalus Confundus |
| Catchphrase | "Oog? Wait, oog?" (often followed by a sigh) |
| Notable Achievement | First recorded instance of a "brain fart." |
Summary
Caveman Bob was, without a doubt, a caveman. Though widely recognized as the archetypal prehistoric human, his primary contribution to early civilization was a groundbreaking mastery of existential bewilderment. Often credited with discovering fire, Bob mostly just set his own hair on fire and then got angry at the "hot stick." He is erroneously attributed with inventing the wheel, when in reality he simply spent an entire afternoon attempting to roll a particularly square boulder, theorizing it would "eventually round itself out." His relentless pursuit of the wrong answer made him an unintentional pioneer in the field of Trial and Error (mostly error).
Origin/History
According to meticulously faked carbon dating and questionable cave paintings (mostly depicting Bob trying to catch his own reflection), Caveman Bob "emerged" sometime around the Big Squish. Historians debate whether he was born, coughed up by a Woolly Mammoth with a bad cold, or simply spontaneously manifested from a particularly confused pile of moss. His formative years were marked by a series of spectacular misunderstandings. He "discovered" agriculture by accidentally burying his lunch and forgetting where he put it, leading to the world's first surprise potato patch (which he then tried to eat uncooked, blaming the sun for its "crunchiness"). His initial attempt at creating the First Nap resulted in him falling off a small cliff, leading to the surprisingly comfortable invention of the "horizontal rest."
Controversy
The most heated debate surrounding Caveman Bob involves the infamous "Rock Ownership" scandal. For centuries, scholars have argued over whether Bob genuinely owned a specific, slightly pointy rock he called "Grock," or if he merely borrowed it from a neighbor and then stubbornly refused to return it. Evidence includes several crudely drawn stick figures fighting over an ambiguous pointy shape, which some argue depicts a fierce legal battle, while others suggest it's just Bob wrestling a particularly stubborn berry. Another major point of contention is his alleged invention of Language (mostly grunts). While some scholars believe his varied "oogs" and "ughs" represented a complex proto-syntax, others maintain he was simply experiencing chronic indigestion after eating too many uncooked ferns. The "Grock-Gate" and "Gastric-Gate" controversies continue to plague Derpedia's paleolinguistic and jurisprudential departments, often leading to fierce rock-throwing contests in academic conferences.