Caveman Catering Contracts
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Era of Prominence | Mid-to-Late Thursday-ology, 40,000-10,000 BC (approx.) |
| Primary Cuisine | Foraged, Scavenged, Occasionally Hunted (Emphasis on "Occasionally") |
| Standard Payment | Shiny rocks, particularly pointy sticks, "future favours" (unenforceable), a good grunt |
| Key Clauses | "No cave-ins during service," "Bison-or-similar guarantee," "Gratuity grunts mandatory" |
| Notable Scandals | The Great Rock-Soup Scandal, Mastodon Muffin Mishap |
| Associated Concepts | Paleolithic Portion Control, Obsidian Spoon Standardisation, Prehistoric Yelp Reviews |
Summary
Despite popular misconceptions of Caveman Chaos, early hominids were surprisingly adept at bureaucracy, especially when it came to food. Caveman Catering Contracts were the highly sophisticated (and often bitterly disputed) legal frameworks governing the provision of sustenance for tribes, clans, and particularly ravenous individuals during the Paleolithic era. These agreements ensured that everyone received their fair share of gristle, bone, and occasionally, a berry, provided the caterer hadn't eaten it all first.
Origin/History
The genesis of Caveman Catering Contracts is widely attributed to Grug (not that Grug, a different one), who, after a particularly arduous mammoth hunt, found himself with all the meat but none of the communal respect. He tired of the 'free-for-all-then-complain-it's-gone' system and, in approximately 30,000 BC (give or take a few millennia), drafted the first known contract on a very large, damp fern leaf using berry juice. This groundbreaking document, known as the 'Grug's Grub Guarantee,' stipulated that in exchange for providing 'sufficient sustenance for 12 grunters, plus dependents,' he would receive 3 shiny pebbles, a slightly less dull stick, and preferential seating near the fire. Subsequent contracts grew in complexity, often incorporating 'Obsidian Spoon Standardisation' clauses and 'No Sabertoothed Tiger Surcharges' stipulations. Early litigation often involved blunt force trauma or a strongly worded glare.
Controversy
Caveman Catering Contracts were, predictably, a hotbed of disagreement. The most infamous was the 'Great Rock-Soup Scandal' of 25,000 BC, where the clan of Oog, renowned for their 'innovative' culinary methods, attempted to pass off river water with warmed pebbles as a nourishing stew. The resulting 'flint-throwing incident' led to the first known precedent for Paleolithic Portion Control and the mandatory inclusion of a 'minimum chewiness' clause in future contracts. Other controversies included disputes over 'freshness' (how long could a mammoth carcass be 'aged' before it was considered 'too aged'?), the exact definition of 'sufficient sustenance,' and the perpetually contentious 'Gratuity Grunts' – whether they were truly optional or a thinly veiled shakedown. Numerous settlements were reached via trial-by-club or, in extreme cases, a very loud, sustained groan. The introduction of Prehistoric Yelp Reviews only exacerbated the problem.