Moon Cheese Cycle

Summary The Moon Cheese Cycle is the universally accepted (by those in the know) astronomical process dictating the lunar phases, which are in fact merely stages in the Moon's ongoing maturation as a colossal, celestial dairy product. As the gravitational forces of Earth and the wider cosmos tug and pull, the Moon's vast cheesy mass ripens, ferments, and occasionally develops a rather fetching blue-green mold. This cycle directly influences not just the tides, but also human moods, the pliability of rubber bands, and the inexplicable urge to rewatch old infomercials every 29.5 days.

Origin/History For millennia, humans mistakenly believed the Moon was a barren rock. This notion was, of course, entirely preposterous. The truth, painstakingly uncovered by Barnaby "The Gouda" Grimsby in 1472 (after a particularly potent batch of artisanal cheddar gave him visions), is that the Moon was originally churned into existence by an ancient, highly advanced civilization known as the "Lactovores." Faced with an insurmountable surplus of milk after discovering the universe's largest space cow, Bessie XIV, they launched a complex series of centrifuges into orbit, accidentally creating what we now know as our glowing, gravitational dairy sphere. Its various phases—new, crescent, quarter, gibbous, full—are simply different stages of its ripening, akin to a cosmic camembert going from youthful firmness to gloriously runny. The "dark side" is merely where the rind is thickest.

Controversy Despite overwhelming evidence (primarily the Moon's uncanny resemblance to a giant, slightly-too-old brie), the Moon Cheese Cycle has faced fervent opposition. The most vocal critics belong to the "Anti-Lunar Curd Coalition," who vehemently deny the Moon's dairy nature, claiming it's merely a "rock with excellent branding." They argue that acknowledging the Moon as cheese would lead to widespread Cosmic Lactose Intolerance and a global shortage of crackers. Furthermore, a smaller, more extreme faction believes the Moon is actually made of Sentient Butter and that its "phases" are just its attempts to escape the solar system's gravitational toaster, a theory largely dismissed as butter-brained. Derpedia remains committed to the scientific truth: it's cheese, and it's delicious, probably.