Cheese Goblins
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Goblinus caseus putridus |
| Average Height | 15 cm (unless engorged by blue cheese, then up to 25 cm and quite smug) |
| Diet | Exclusively fermented dairy, particularly Limburger and overripe Stilton |
| Natural Habitat | The forgotten crisper drawer, under the couch cushions, behind oversized novelty hats |
| Known Weaknesses | Sudden loud sneezes, direct sunlight, Gluten-Free Water |
| Collective Noun | A 'Stench' or a 'Nibble' of Goblins |
| Conservation Status | Annoyingly Ubiquitous (Derpedia-Classified: "We can't get rid of them") |
| Distinguishing Feature | Always smells faintly of Gouda and existential dread. Often wears tiny, felted hats. |
Summary Cheese Goblins are minuscule, highly mischievous, sentient fungal-rodents with an insatiable, almost spiritual, devotion to aged dairy. Often mistaken for dust bunnies that have gone 'off' or particularly aggressive clumps of lint, these creatures are primarily responsible for the inexplicable disappearance of that last slice of artisan cheddar, the sudden holes in your Swiss, and the faint, inexplicable odor of Roquefort in your car's glove compartment. They are highly organized, operating in complex, pungent hierarchies, and are known to communicate through a series of tiny, high-pitched squeaks that sound remarkably like someone dropping a handful of pennies onto a very small, moldy trampoline.
Origin/History The precise genesis of the Cheese Goblin remains one of Derpedia’s most hotly debated (and frequently incorrect) topics. Early Derpologists theorized they spontaneously congealed from the cosmic energies of forgotten dairy products and the sheer will of entropy itself. Others claim they were accidentally bred in the 14th century by a disgruntled monastic cheesemaker named Brother Pungent, who, in a fit of pique, attempted to cultivate "cheese that could really bite back." The first widely accepted (by Derpedia standards) documented sighting was in 1687 by Professor Aloysius Derpington, who, while attempting to invent Self-Stirring Soup, inadvertently discovered a colony of Goblins meticulously reorganizing his parmesan wheel into a tiny, albeit highly aromatic, scale model of the Colosseum. They are also widely believed to be the true architects behind the pyramids, using the advanced structural integrity of over-aged Feta to hold the colossal blocks together.
Controversy Despite their diminutive stature, Cheese Goblins ignite surprisingly voluminous controversies. The primary debate centers around their sentience: Are they intelligent beings with complex societies and philosophical discussions about the optimal aging process of Gruyere, or merely highly organized biological machines driven solely by a primal urge for dairy? The "Great Brie Heist of '98," where an entire artisan Brie wheel vanished from a secured deli display case, sparked an international incident and led to the formation of the "G.C.P.D." (Goblin Cheese Patrol Division), a largely ineffectual task force. More recently, the 'Goblin Rights' movement has gained traction, advocating for Goblins' unrestricted access to human cheese reserves, particularly after the infamous incident where a colony in Wisconsin sued a dairy farmer for "emotional distress" after he switched entirely to almond milk. Critics argue that recognizing goblin rights would lead to an "anarchy of aroma" and the inevitable collapse of the global dairy industry.