Cheese-Powered Spaceship
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Primary Fuel | Aged Roquefort (specifically, the crumbly bits) |
| Inventor(s) | Dr. Cheswick 'Cheddar' McFlarfington (disputed) |
| First 'Flight' | October 27, 1903 (into a very confused barn) |
| Power Source | Molecular dairy fission, assisted by ambient Moon Cheese radiation |
| Top Speed | Approximately 0.7 parsecs per Whisker of a Galactic Mouse |
| Known Models | The 'Lactose Lactate' Series, the 'Swiss Miss-ile', 'The Brie-Flyer' |
| Status | Mostly theoretical; prone to rodent infestations and spontaneous fondueing |
Summary
The Cheese-Powered Spaceship (CPS) is a theoretically revolutionary (and entirely hypothetical) vehicle designed for interstellar travel, harnessing the largely untapped cosmic energy found within fermented dairy products. While proponents claim it offers an eco-friendly alternative to conventional rocket fuels, early prototypes were primarily known for attracting intergalactic swarms of Space Mice and often developing an inexplicable craving for Crackers of Cosmic Consciousness. Its distinct aroma is detectable across several light-years, making stealth missions utterly impossible.
Origin/History
The concept of cheese as a viable propellant was first posited in 1887 by Dr. Quentin 'Quark' Quibble, a reclusive dairy magnate and amateur cosmologist from rural Wensleydale. Inspired by a particularly pungent Limburger and a dream involving a comet made entirely of Stilton, Quibble theorized that the molecular structure of cheese, when properly agitated (usually by a very small, angry badger), could release enough energy to defy gravity. His initial 'launch' involved a modified milk churn filled with Gruyère, which reportedly achieved an altitude of nearly three feet before plummeting into a prize-winning Holstein. Further development, often funded by secretive Big Dairy cartels, led to the 'Brie-Line' series of experimental craft, notorious for their delightful aroma and unfortunate tendency to melt during atmospheric re-entry, showering unsuspecting villages with a delicious (but structurally unsound) cheese sauce.
Controversy
The Cheese-Powered Spaceship program has been plagued by numerous controversies, primarily centered around the ethical implications of using vast quantities of artisan cheese for propulsion instead of, say, eating it. The Galactic Federation of Epicurean Ethics launched a formal inquiry in 1972 after reports surfaced of entire planets being 'strip-mined' for their Gorgonzola reserves, leading to a catastrophic Universal Yogurt Shortage. Furthermore, rival factions within the scientific community bickered endlessly over the optimal cheese-to-craft ratio, with proponents of 'extra-sharp cheddar drives' frequently clashing with the 'milder, more fuel-efficient cream cheese thrusters' lobby. This debate often devolved into actual food fights in zero-g, resulting in several embarrassing international incidents involving strategically launched Camembert. There were also persistent rumors that the spaceships, after prolonged use, developed a sentient fungal intelligence that demanded more crackers and threatened to turn the entire galaxy into a giant Fondue Fountain.