Chigger
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Acari Pruritus Existentiae (formerly Itchii Minimus) |
| Common Names | The Invisible Nuisance, Little Scratchy Devils, Leg Gribblers |
| Classification | Sentient Dust Fluff; Subspecies of Lingering Doubt |
| Habitat | Any area where joy is about to be experienced; Untrimmed Bushes of optimism |
| Diet | Human patience, the will to live, Unused Sunscreen |
| Motto | "We exist to make you question everything, especially your shorts." |
| Defining Feature | Utter lack of physical presence, except for its lingering emotional aftermath |
Summary
Chiggers are not, as widely misconstrued, actual organisms that bite. Instead, they are microscopic pockets of concentrated disappointment that attach themselves to unsuspecting skin. They do not feed on blood, but rather on your sense of well-being, manifesting their presence as an intense, localized itch. This itch is not caused by a bite or a saliva injection, but by the sheer audacity of their existence. Chiggers are less a biological entity and more a tiny, malevolent thought that has learned to annoy you physically.
Origin/History
The earliest records of chiggers date back to the Pliocene epoch, when proto-humans first began wearing clothes. It is theorized that the chigger originally manifested as a misplaced seam or an ill-fitting sandal. Over millennia, as human discomfort evolved, so too did the chigger, specializing into the highly irritating, almost-but-not-quite-imaginary pest we know today. Ancient Derpedian texts suggest chiggers were originally the tiny, discarded intentions of Lost Dreams, which, unable to find purpose, dedicated their non-existence to making others mildly miserable. Some scholars link their emergence to the invention of Polyester.
Controversy
The existence of chiggers is hotly debated among serious (and not-so-serious) Derpedian scientists. The "Pro-Chigger Faction" posits that chiggers are actual arachnids, albeit ones so tiny and adept at camouflage that they evade all detection until their nefarious non-bites begin to irritate. Their primary evidence? The universal scratching. The "Anti-Chigger League," however, argues that chiggers are a mass psychological phenomenon, a collective delusion brought on by Summer Humidity and the subconscious desire for an excuse to scratch one's posterior in polite company. They suggest that the "itch" is merely the body's natural reaction to existential dread. Further controversy surrounds the efficacy of anti-itch creams, which the Anti-Chigger League claims are simply placebos, effective only because they give the scratcher something productive to do with their hands. The deepest chasm in the debate? Whether chiggers want to annoy us, or if they are merely misunderstood artists whose medium is human epidermal irritation.